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Alright, so the title of my sermon this morning is dealing with passive aggressive people dealing with passive Aggressive people now. I'm just gonna read one more verse before I get into the sermon It says in 2nd Samuel chapter 14 verse 25 But in all Israel there was none To be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty from the sole of his foot Even to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him So the reason why I want to focus on this verse is because Absalom you know he you could see that the he was using passive aggressive techniques to get to where he could Get an audience with David first of all he had Joab Realized that David's heart was towards Absalom and Joab had his own passive aggressive ideas I'm not gonna focus on Joab today. I want to focus on the passive aggressive Person of Absalom, and I just want to help people this morning to realize that Passive aggressiveness is a big thing in this world that we live in today, and I think it goes unchecked a lot of times it goes unnoticed and a lot of times passive aggressive people rule in areas of life Because people are afraid to challenge passive aggressive people because the way that they slip out of everything The way that the techniques and tactics if they use If you call them out They are the type of people that will just say oh, I'm just kidding just joking and they act like you know You're the one that's being weird or you're the one that is that you know they try to make it look like you're the one That's mad when they're the one that really is the one that's mad, and they're the ones that have that aggression so and Absalom you know it says that in all Israel. There's none to be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty see already Absalom was at an advantage over all people Because I mean he people looked at him like There wasn't a blemish in him at all from the crown of his head to the sole of his foot He was just a stunning You know man apparently that you know and obviously had long hair, and so I don't know understand Why that was allowed to? Take place. I guess when he left his father's house. I guess his dad. Maybe not didn't have You know rule over him in that way, but Anyway, I think it's pretty it's pretty obvious that you know he you know Defied God and the fact that even in his own you know that nature tells you that it's a shame for a man to have long hair and People still went after Absalom and really liked him, but passive-aggressive people are also very patient Sometimes sometimes they're not you know not every passive-aggressive person is really smart But they're just good at their craft of being passive Aggressive, but Absalom this man that we're dealing with today. He was very patient and as you'll see in the Bible You know it took him what I count up as 47 years before he actually enacted his final plan and You know and before I go any further I just want to say that not every passive-aggressive person is some kind of a reprobate or evil person I think that all of us have times where we've been passive-aggressive I know I'm sure I have been I mean, I can't think of any examples right now, but no anyway. I'm just kidding but You know everybody I think has times where they're passive-aggressive And it's because I think as a society people are afraid to confront people head-on and really it's a I've just noticed it A lot you know growing up because I used to be I used to not be very Confrontational with people But as I've gotten older and meaner and wiser I've realized that the best way to deal with problems with people is to confront them And you don't always have to be rude when you confront people, but you can just confront people say hey Do you have a problem with me? Yeah? Let's work this out. You know But people are passive-aggressive They don't want to deal with things that way and even if you ask them they'll act like they're not really mad You know but it's something bothering you. Oh, no no no No, I'm fine. You know so they act all like someone kicked their dog They act like an abused puppy. You know they act all sad But that's not every characteristic of a passive-aggressive people have lots of different characteristics so Here's the definition of passive-aggressive Denoted a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance so it's a type of behavior or Personality of someone it's a character flaw and it says it's by indirect resistance so as people that are afraid to confront things openly and If they do confront things openly it's through barbs and underhanded comments Pouting and so the demand it's the it's it's resistance to demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation as in procrastinating pouting or Misplacing important materials now you think well really that's what it is well Yeah, because they don't want to directly confront someone because they're cowards And so that is that is like so many people in this world. They're just afraid to confront things Openly and and also the point and it is to the point actually where people just are like that person's rude You know they just confront people No, you know what's rude is to make underhanded comments talk crap about people behind their back Make jokes and then or say things To call people out and then say they're joking when someone confronts them that is passive-aggressive that is actually the person that is a coward and so And you'll just notice that people do it all the time you know and I appreciate people that are direct But most people are not direct most people talk crap behind your back, and it's passive-aggressive Specific signs of passive-aggressive behavior include resentment and opposition to the demands of others, so I'm gonna give you four points This morning, and I'm just gonna go through some of these scriptures real quick. I'm gonna show you how Absalom was passive-aggressive, and he fits the bill for someone that was a passive-aggressive person in the Bible And he was a wicked person He was a very wicked person, and we'll see some of the tactics that these people use and again if you're a person That's passive-aggressive. I'm not saying you're Absalom But there are people that are Absalom's that are passive-aggressive Okay, so I'm not saying I'm just saying that we as Christians. Why am I preaching this? I'm not preaching this to the reprobates. I'm preaching this to save people so they can understand Hey, maybe if I'm being passive-aggressive, maybe I need to unlearn that character trait Maybe I need to step back and view how I deal with people because what you're doing is not biblical It's not godly. It's really it's wicked It's wicked to be passive-aggressive and again everybody does it at some point You know and they're afraid to confront people they're afraid to maybe because the person's in a higher position in Society or something than them or they're a family member that they feel like they can't you know confront or directly challenge You know there's lots of different ways in the end because of the position that people hold That that allows them to have more success and being that passive-aggressive type person so and as a pastor I would have to be careful being that way because I do have I'm not like I don't feel like I'm over anybody Necessarily, but over people in the Lord over the house of God, and I got to make sure that I don't try to let or allow Passive-aggressivity to enter into my heart and to come out in my preaching and and the way I deal with people so Anyway, so number one resentment and opposition passive-aggressive people have resentment and opposition to the demands of others resentment and Opposition so look at second Samuel chapter 13 verse number 19 So we were in second Samuel chapter 14, but look at second Samuel chapter 13 verse number 19 Let's look So just a little bit of background also as far as Absalom goes his his brother his sister was raped by his brother and So he's mad about that, but you'll see even the way he deals with that situation was passive-aggressive Instead of just going to his dad and say hey look my brother needs to be punished This is what he did was wicked, but instead he wanted to take revenge By himself and obvious and through the years he used this to try to overthrow David's kingdom But well verse number 19 It says in Tamar put ashes on her head and rent her garment of diverse colors that was on her and laid her hand on her head and went on crying and Absalom her brother said unto her hath amnon thy brother been with thee but now Excuse me, but hold now by peace my sister He is thy brother regard not this thing so Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom's house But when King David heard of all these things he was very wroth and Absalom spake unto his brother Amnon neither good Nor bad for Absalom hated Amnon because he had forced his sister Tamar But see here here's the first the first thing about it is that if he hated him why didn't he confront him about it? Why didn't he confront David with his lack of judgment when it came to this situation head-on? But instead it says he not he he spake neither good nor bad For out for he hated him so he hated him But like you can hate someone still speak good or bad of them you can say hey You're a wicked person what you did was was wicked, but he had a plan He had a plot that he was trying to do even told the sister. Oh don't worry about it He's your brother, and so here you can see right now. He's already being passively Aggressive towards David he's already being passive aggressive Towards Amnon by not speaking good or bad just kind of pretending like nothing ever happened And it came to pass after two full years So this is something that you'll see in the story of Absalom is that he's very patient with what he does It says it came to pass after two full years, so he bided his time and he waited for a perfect opportunity To be for his passive-aggressive plans to come forth now another thing you'll notice about Absalom Is that he never does anything himself he never he never does the dirty work himself He always has people that go off and do things for him And and this is the passive-aggressive people do this too They get their little minions to go do things for them And then so it looks like they can it can never be brought back to them again They always have like some plausible deniability Oh, it wasn't me my servants did that or whatever so it says it came to pass after two four years that Absalom had sheepshears and Baal-hazor which is beside Ephraim and Absalom invited all the king's sons and Absalom came to the king and Said behold now thy servant has sheepshears let the king I beseech thee and his servants go with thy servant So here he's inviting the king and all the king's sons And all the servants to go and shear these sheep And I think that he knew that King David wasn't gonna do it And this was just a ploy to spring his plan into action that says and the king said unto Absalom name my son Let us Now all now let us excuse me name my son Let us not all now go lest we be chargeable unto thee and he pressed him How be it he would not go but blessed him then said Absalom If not, I pray thee let my brother Amnon go with us and the king said unto him Why should he go with thee so here? I think that David kind of is being a little discerning and realizing why is he asking Amnon to go? With him that says but Absalom pressed him that he let Amnon and all the king's sons go with him So this was his plan from the beginning it took him two years to hatch this passive aggressive plan Says now Absalom had commanded his servants saying mark he now then and now when abs excuse me Good night mark He now when Amnon's heart is merry with wine and when I say unto you smile or smite Amnon Then kill him fear not Have not I commanded you be courageous and be valiant So he's basically saying once Amnon starts to you know let himself go a little bit Well, you know get a little happy and and joyful and just enjoying the time then that's when you're gonna smite him now notice he says and Absalom had commanded his servants saying it wasn't Absalom that did the deed himself Like I said, he always gets someone to do the dirty work for him and in this case, he got his servants to do it and it says be courageous and be valiant and the servants of Absalom did unto Abnon as Absalom had commanded then all the king's sons arose and every man got him upon that his mule and flood So the number one passive-aggressive people use Resentment and opposition to leadership To force their agenda, so and that's what he has done he used passive-aggressive techniques To you know first of all Opposed David's leadership You know David had already made his judgment and he had two years to bring this stuff to him And he didn't do it and whether David was wrong or not He still acted like he was okay with what was going on Which is passive-aggressive and then he used the resentment of what happened with that as Opposition to David and to force his agenda which his agenda was to get revenge and kill his brother so and then number two intentional procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to another's demands Okay, when we let me say number one again number one passive-aggressive people use resentment and opposition to leadership to force their agenda number two And they use intentional number two these intentional procrastination intentional mistakes in response to others demands so Let's go to verse number 37 37 in Second Samuel chapter 14 says in verse 37 that Absalom fled and went to Talmai the son of Emma Emma hood king of Geshur and David mourned for his son every day So Absalom fled and went to Geshur and was there three years so here we have where he flees and And He goes to this other kingdom called Geshur and he was there for three years. He fled his responsibility So what what would what was responsibility people to stay there and face the charges maybe go to trial over what he did But instead he he did something else. He fled and he was gone for three years But that three years is just shows what he does He waits for time to pass and then he uses his passive-aggressive techniques again So look at verse 39 It says and the soul of King David longed to go forth unto Absalom for he was comforted concerning Amnon seen That he was dead. So David I think he felt a sense of relief for the fact that his son got killed Because I think that he was guilt felt guilty over not dealing with it correctly That's just my personal opinion, but it does say that he was comforted concerning Amnon seeing he was dead so but Here here's the other thing about passive-aggressive people They're still good at keeping people on their side, even though that person doesn't like them So King David will still love his son obviously, but didn't realize that his son hated him And so even though that passive-aggressive person might hate your guts They're still good at keeping you on their team And so that's the thing about passive-aggressive people like this guy Is that they're still good at keeping people under their command and under their puppet strings. I believe David thought Absalom had done the right thing possibly But really Absalom's part was not with David and David did not deal correctly with the sin of his son. That's obvious and Absalom is again using this situation to eventually try to take the kingdom passive-aggressive people are very patient in some cases and Here we see Absalom go and run and hide from justice for three years So the first time he waited for two years and then now he's waiting for three years So that's five years if we're all doing the math here. So number one passive-aggressive people Use resentment and opposition to achieve their goals number two they use procrastination and intentional mistakes To go against the leadership. So number two You know just to sum that that up is that they use procrastination. So what was he doing? He was procrastinating the judgment You know, when we tell somebody to do something in your in leadership over them and they just dawdle around like I think about at work, you know, sometimes if you're the like if you're a crew leader or you're a boss or something and you ask someone to Do something sometimes the people that are in opposition to your leadership or they want to try to overthrow you Or make you look bad at the boss They'll procrastinate so that the job doesn't get done and try to make you look like you're a bad leader So and that's exactly the technique that you see him doing here And so they'll intentionally procrastinate, you know, they'll draw all I got lost. I'm sorry Oh, I have to go to the bathroom or you know people can just try to drag a job down and and dealing with those types of people that when there's no Repercussions, there's nothing you can actually do to stop them from doing that situation It'd be very frustrating. Those are passive-aggressive people Hey, will you back that truck up to here and then they just sit there and don't do what you ask And so that gets people like me upset because I feel like you're not listening but then I realize Like this just happened to me a couple weeks ago. I was on a job with a whole bunch of new crew members and I was asking people to do stuff and they were giving me attitude problems about it. I'm like what in the world? It's not like I was yelling and screaming at people But you know after people continue to just not listen for you know, several different things. I'm like, okay. This is Some kind of a plot to try to make me look like I'm a bad leader and then they want to Procrastinate to make me look like I'm freaking out. Well, actually I did kind of freak out a little bit But you know, I reeled myself in because I realized what they were doing And so once I realized what they're doing, I just used a different tactic and put it back on themselves but even even one of the things that someone said was like when I came up and explained why I was Being the way I was like, oh I was just joking that's what they said to me and I'm like, wow, that's a classic passive-aggressive move there And it's a person I've been there for a long time. So they knew what they were doing so passive-aggressive people use resentment things that they're upset about and An opposition to achieve their goals they use procrastination And intentional mistakes to go against leadership. Here's the other thing that that intentional mistakes what I mean by that is Someone that doesn't like doing a certain job They'll just intentionally make mistakes so that they don't have to keep being put on that particular type of job And so that is also passive-aggressive so they know what to do or maybe They do they know what to do, but they intentionally make mistakes They do they know what to do, but they intentionally make mistakes in order to Get you irritated with them and say don't give me that person again, you know, basically so, uh, you know and that's One of the things that where I work sometimes people say this they say never get good at a crappy job So if it's a job that you hate doing and you do your best job trying to get it done But you hate that job. Well chances are you're going to get put in that job again because you did a great job so they're they're saying They just say you know uh Don't get good at a crappy job, you know Then that per if you do such a crappy job Then that per that boss will never let you do that job again because they're like that person sucks at that job so and then they won't allow it to happen so Anyway, number three cynical sullen and hostile attitudes are also Passive aggressive cynical sullen or hostile attitudes so cynical is like, you know, uh, they just like have a they they act like Uh, they just they just have like a bad attitude towards things sullen is where you're pouting, you know Like you got put on a job you don't like and then the person's over there just like all upset and pouty And they want you to come over and go what's wrong, you know, I can't stand that But there's also people that have hostile attitudes And that they use that as their passive aggressive so they might be mad about something that they have to do And they have a hostile attitude about it So that people just be like, oh, you know try to treat that person with kid gloves because they're afraid You know upsetting the apple cart and that person's kind of like a bully so let's look at uh Let's see verse 28 in second samuel 14 Says so absalom dwelt two full years in jerusalem and saw not the king's face Therefore absalom sent for joab to have him sent to the king But he would not come to him and when he sent again the second time he would not come therefore He said unto his servant see joab's field is near mine and he hath barley there go and set it on fire And absalom's servants sent or set the field on fire so here again we see Absalom he's he's pouting isn't he he says uh, therefore he said To to have him said he said but he would not come to him And when he sent again the second time he would not come so absalom's mad because joab won't come to him Now look what it says in verse 30 therefore He said unto the servants see joab's field is near mine and had barley there Go and set it on fire and absolom's servants set the field on fire then joab arose and came to absalom Under his house and said unto him wherefore have thy servants set my field on fire. So he confronts him For what he did, you know, so joab was ignoring him, but he's like, oh you're gonna ignore me Well, i'm gonna send my servants to You know to set your field on fire so Did did he do it himself? No classic passive aggressive person They send their minions to do something and they didn't go to absalom and confront him Did they they went and burned his field down instead as a way to? aggressively Attack him without attacking him Confrontationally right to his face Because if these guys would have came to at joab's face He probably would have carved him up like a thanksgiving turkey because joab wasn't exactly the nicest guy in the world you know, he was a murderer and uh, so You know the the man absolom You know, obviously being passive aggressively. He didn't want to directly confront joab so But then he finally comes to him. He says in verse 31 then joab arose Um, yeah, why is why my servants set thy field on fire and absolom answered joab behold I sent unto thee saying come hither that I may uh, send thee to the king to say wherefore my come from gesher It had been good for me that I uh to have been there still See he's being sullen. He's being cynical Now therefore let me see the king's face and if there be any iniquity in me, let him kill me Oh, just let the king kill me, you know He's playing the baby games He's playing the feel sorry for me games. I've been here this whole time and now I can't see the king's face And so he's being a little whiny baby and he Is using these different techniques the cynical stolen and hostile attitude to be passive aggressive and get his way so Uh, so joab came to the king and told him and when he had called for absolom He came to the king and bowed himself to his face to the ground before the king and the king kissed absolom So this is what absolom's goal for this whole time. So again, he waited two full years So remember the first time it was two years Then he waited three years now in jerusalem. He waited two more years So that's seven years. I mean he he's biding his time And he waited two more years before he went whining to joab to get his way and he passively aggressively attacked him To get his way with the king so number one passive aggressive People use resentment and opposition to achieve their goals number two They use procrastination and intentional mistakes to go against leadership number three They use cynical stolen or hostile attitudes to get what they want number four This is the last point then i'll have some application number four frequent complaints about feeling Underappreciated or cheated to manipulate people. This is another tactic Of the passive aggressive person is to freak to have frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated Or cheated to manipulate people now this also might be them using it On to have the opposite effect like them saying well, I know you've been cheated I know you are feeling underappreciated I know You know, you're going through a hard time and they use that to manipulate people For their passive aggressive needs and that's exactly what absalom does now turn to second samuel 15 verse 15 second samuel 15 verse 15 Now if you don't think that he's doing that, you know, I mean, it's pretty obvious in the text Look at verse 15 it says And it came to pass after this that absalom Prepared him chariots and horses and 50 men to do what run before him So again, he's not really a leader. He's just a passive aggressive manipulator and even here he still has people running before him because he Is not a leader it says and absalom rose up early and stood beside the way of the gate And it was so that when any man That had a controversy came to the king for judgment Then absalom called unto him and said of what city art thou And he said thy servant is of one of the tribes of israel And absalom said unto him See thy matters are good and right, but there's no man deputed of the king to hear thee Absalom said moreover. Oh that I were made judge in the land That every man which hath any suit or cause might come unto me And I would do him justice, so What's he using? He's using frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated to manipulate these other people And it might not even be him himself he's he's making it out to be that they Are being cheated that they are being underappreciated and that's what an absalom A passive aggressive person does to people and they do this in families. They do this In friendships they do this in the workplace and they do this in churches And they do it in churches, you know, and obviously this is a you know a preaching about church for church But this can help you in all aspects of life to see these different types of manipulation That these people do And this can help you in your family life. This can help you, you know in your friendships This can help you in your workplace. This can help you in your church relationships With people so What did he do? He just said hey, you know, I know you got issues, but don't come don't go to the pastor Don't go to the pastor. Hey, he's way too busy. Why don't you come to me and i'll help you with your bible problems I'll help you with your family problems when you see that in church. That's a that should be a red flag to you Don't if someone ever says to you in church. Hey pastors be too busy to deal with this Why don't you let me help you with this don't You need to you know, you need to come right to me and let me know if some Lady in the church says hey, I mean, I really need to talk to somebody about this if they say well, you know Don't go to the pastor's wife because she's just way too busy and she's got all this stuff going on Why don't you come to me instead? Let me get your email address and You know, we'll chat back and forth outside of church Those are bad people those are people that you should just have a red flag in your mind right away That if people are doing crap like that, that means they're trying to manipulate you And they're being passive aggressive towards the pastor and they're using frequent complaints And people feeling underappreciated To or cheated to manipulate you And so that's how people rise up And cause problems in churches, but it can also happen at work Someone will tell you information and say oh, you know what me and the boss are like best friends You know, don't tell the boss this but let me tell you what I know and so they play all these situations against each other But if they say yeah the boss invites me out For dinner and to go boating and all this stuff out and then you think well, hey I can never bring any of my concerns about this person to the boss because they're friends outside of work That person could be manipulating you and they could be using passive aggressive techniques like absolom to cause problems in the workplace and You know family members are the same way family members are will gossip about each other You know, they'll tell you something to say. Oh, but don't tell So and so that I told you this You know and that's how they manipulate and and mess with people that way inside families families and uh and and friendships so, you know and look these type of people need to be Confronted but look i'm going to give you some tips here just a minute about how? You know you can avoid or how to you know, and I don't know if you can ever possibly Overcome every single person that's passive aggressive in your life But you know one way you could do is cut that person out of your life, you know If it's someone that won't hear or approve or rebuke Then maybe you should just have that person away from you as much as you possibly can so So look what happens with absolom in second samuel chapter 15. It says Absalom, uh, let's see and it was so that when any man came nigh to him to do obeisance He put forth his hand and took him and kissed him Now this says he took him and kissed him In an honest manner did absolom to all israel that came to the king for judgment. So Absalom stole the hearts of the men of israel and how long did this take? Verse seven and it came to pass after 40 years That absalom said unto the king I pray thee Let me go and pay my vow which I have vowed him to the lord in hebron So how many years will be talking here from the very beginning of all this? Well, you had the two years he waited to kill amnon Yeah, the three years he was in gesher and then manipulated himself to be brought back to the king He waited two years in jerusalem And then burned joebsfield down manipulated his way to get before the king for the king would kiss him and give him You know a little more free rein and able to do things And not uh, and to be able to see the king's face and look like he was in favor with all the people and Then 40 years he spends Turning the hearts of israel against david the king who was a good king but see when passive-aggressive people go unchecked This is the types of things that can happen. I'm not saying this situation happens every time But just this is what passive-aggressive people do That's their game. They're too cowardly and too spineless to just be manly or womanly to You know confront people directly they're afraid, you know, and that's not how christian people Should act they shouldn't be afraid to confront things now Am I saying you have to be a horse's rear end every time? You try to go and confront somebody about something you can have tact and still confront somebody now if it gets brought up to another level Then there's ways to deal with that. So And of course, we know the end how the story ends Absalom betrays his father and sleeps with all his concubines Kills people he turns all his friends against them And you know a passive this in this case of this passive-aggressive person was a very wicked person But again, if you have like passive-aggressive tendencies In you maybe it's just something that you learned. Maybe it's just something Uh character flaw that you have because you are too afraid to directly come Confront people But I would just say that if that's you that you need to get your heart right with god And quit trying and quit being afraid to confront people You know or or if you're just manipulating people and you realize hey I manipulate people and this is just what I do Then maybe you should just realize hey i'm I need to stop trying to manipulate people And if I have a problem with someone I should just go to that person directly and say hey You know you did this and it offended me Let's work this out Instead of just you know forming cliques and factions in church against people uh trying to Outcast somebody because you don't like them and you don't want your friends to like them That's what people do in high school and grade school that shouldn't be done in churches, so I got this from A psychologist online so i'm not saying this is the greatest advice ever But I just here's how the world tells you how to deal with it. So it says although passive-aggressive behavior can be a feature of various mental health conditions It isn't considered a distinct mental illness. So passive-aggressive people aren't is it it's not a Mental illness is what they're saying It says passive-aggressive behavior can interfere with relationships Well, we know that because of the bible story we just read it in there it interfered with a lot of David's relationships and caused difficulties on the job If you're struggling with passive-aggressive behavior, or you think your loved one is consider consulting a therapist now That's what the world says to do, but i'm not going to tell you to go see a therapist I'm going to say you need to go to the word of god and let the word of god Retrain your brain to to act appropriately and to do what's right? so For i'll just have you turn to some scriptures. Um, let's see First corinthians chapter 16 verse 13 Actually, i'll just read that one turn to matthew chapter 18 verse 15 So first corinthians 16 13 says watch ye stand fast in the faith Quit you like men be strong So god, you know, he wants us if you're if you're manly stand in the stand fast quit you like men and be strong Don't just you know be a passive-aggressive little Uh beta male, you know, that's that's what beta males do. That's what that's what absolom was. He was a beta male I mean in all reality he was too afraid, you know, do you think david was afraid to confront people? David wasn't afraid to confront people. He wasn't a beta male he was a tough guy and uh He didn't have any problems saying it like it was You know, and he wasn't always right in every situation in his life, but he was a man and after god's own heart We know that So the bible says in matthew chapter 18 to do it says Moreover, if thy brother trespass against thee go and tell him his fall between thee and him alone If he shall hear thee thou hast gained thy brother, so what's the bible say to do when you have a problem with someone? Passively aggressively assassinate their character. No, it says go tell him his fault between thee and him alone But this is not what people do and look i've been guilty of not doing this I remember a long time ago. I I felt really dumb after I did this, but I had a problem with someone And I felt like I couldn't Directly deal with that person because of how they act But it doesn't it didn't You know negate my responsibility as a christian according to what the bible says so I went to the pastor I said this person This is how they talked to me. This is what they did blah blah blah and he goes. Well, did you talk to them about it? I was like No, I didn't and he said well, maybe you should talk to them about it first before he'd come to me about it I was like Yeah so You know and obviously I was a new christian at that time But I should have known that verse and I should have known what the right thing to do is so Obviously if if someone you go to someone and then they don't hear you Then it says but if you will not hear thee then take Uh with thee one or two more than in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established So see you see how this is still confronting directly. It's not Going behind someone's back it's not you know rallying your troops around you It's it's just getting two or three witnesses Probably so people can establish You know, this is the argument. This is their argument. Let every word be established and then Uh, whatever those people judge is the right situation is probably how the situation should end It says but if he shall neglect to hear them tell it under the church But if you neglect to hear the church Let him Be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican So again, like I was saying Directly confront the person. Okay, and again, it doesn't have to be rude And then if they won't then take two or three witnesses and then confront them again Okay, and that way it's not known to every single person or it's not just your best friends And maybe you shouldn't just take your best friends Maybe you should take someone that doesn't know anything about the situation or won't side with one person or the other They'll just be an impartial judge It says that every word may be established again. That's frontal Confrontation. Okay And it doesn't again have to be super nasty But then it says if they shall neglect to hear them tell it onto the church So that's when the church would get involved and you would tell it to the whole church To the whole church that doesn't mean to tell it to all of facebook all of youtube all of social media tick tock rick rock and whatever else stupid meme you have or social media site you have I don't even know what they all are but Of what is it instagram? That doesn't mean you go and try to rally all your friends on instagram and facebook to try To get all the words established. It says tell it to the church and it should be a private thing between You them and the whole church, okay We've never had that situation have to happen in our church But I think a lot of the thing is because people still Don't use these scriptures and apply them to their lives. This is how you defeat Passive-aggressive people, you know, if there's someone just passive-aggressive and they're constantly messing with you and they offend you Why don't you go the matthew 18 route? confront them And look if they won't hear you Bring the witnesses if they won't hear The witnesses that bring it before the church and then what's to say let him be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican that means Have nothing to do with them Okay So now proverbs chapter 27 verse 5 says open rebuke is better than secret love. So what was what was abso? Famous for he wasn't famous for openly rebuking people was he he went behind the scenes and caused all this damage And that's what people do in secret says faith for the wounds of a friend But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. What did absalom do he came up and kissed them What did judas do to jesus? He came up and kissed him. It says the kisses of an enemy Are deceitful if someone is your enemy And they're trying to be all nicely nice with you don't necessarily fall for that I mean obviously if a person repaints and asks you to forgive them you should do that The bible commands you to do that But you know if people just continue to do the same thing over and over again and they just want Uh to be someone toxic in your life Then you can you know, the bible says in matthew 18 to get that toxic person away from you You know, let them be to uh as to you as a heathen man a republican so You know, it's def it's difficult to pin people down these passive aggressive people down Even if you directly confront them it is difficult to pin them down and this is what happens most of the time when you uh, Try to directly confront somebody like that um Most times if you do confront them, they try to act like you're the one that's overreacting And i've had this happen lots of times They oftentimes avoid direct clear Communication because they want the deniability. Well, I didn't hear you say that I didn't hear you. I didn't hear And that's what people that are passive aggressive do they avoid direct clear communication from you and act like They didn't hear you or they didn't know so they can deny The fact of what they did And then you'll give them another chance You know, they they want deniability of hearing or understanding something that's been already established Hey, you know, we're not supposed to have birthday parties after church you shouldn't bring all of your gifts and Things like that unless it's been talked to the pastor about it before Obviously, we don't do that at our church. I'm just making an example It's not i'm trying to not trying to call anybody out or anything like that. I'm just saying the reason why we don't have birthday parties You know every week at our church is because with all the kids in our church, we'd have a never-ending birthday parties after church Or never-ending birthday parties at church. So We don't do that because I don't want to have you know, if I tell somebody yes one time then everybody else is going to come to me Well, you told so-and-so You told you let so-and-so to do it. And so I just have a rule no birthday parties at the church That way I never have to deal with it. Nobody ever has to clean up somebody else's mess Nobody else's feelings are getting hurt because someone didn't get invited And things like that and it's just a small church mind mentality so But if I've told people that over and over again and they still continue to come to me and say Hey, we were just wondering if we could have a birthday party at the church. It's no I mean that to me is a clear Communication i've made with that person and then they act like oh, oh, I didn't know You can't you know that that is a person that's being passive aggressive. They're trying to Hit you back with stuff And act like you're the bad guy because their kid doesn't get to have a birthday party now well There's a place, you know, i've had birthday parties my whole life and I don't even have much church You know you can have you can invite anybody to any kid's birthday party you want But it doesn't have to be a church. Okay, so jude chapter or jude verse 15 Turn to jude verse 15 So another thing that people like to do is they like to say backhanded comments As a way of being passive aggressive and they claim they're just joking Oh, just kidding. Just joking and that is a super passive aggressive way that people handle things Look at the bible says in jude 15 star. Yeah, jude chapter or verse 15. It says To execute judgment upon all into defense all that are ungodly among them Of all their ungodly deeds Which they have ungodly committed and of all their hard speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken Against him now, obviously this is talking about false prophets And it says these are murmurers Complainers walking after their own lust and their mouths speak speaketh great swelling words Having men's persons in admiration because of advantage Now this is the way false prophets work And so, you know, it's also a way that passive aggressive people work too They're very good at arguing with people And they complain and they whine about stuff and they're constantly just wanting things that they want their own lust But it says they're good at speaking great swelling words and then they have people's admiration because of advantage Now a lot of false prophets in the world People look up to them because they're on tv preaching or whatever like tv jakes and and all these guys Uh kenneth copeland and all these get rich quick preachers that are on television they have people's admiration because of advantage and people look at them like Oh, this is someone that I should follow and listen to But they're just people that are murmuring complainers that speak great swelling words. They fall after their own lust. What's their lust money? That's what they want and so Absalom was a perfect prototype of this Absalom was a man of advantage physically He was so good looking from head to toe that people just automatically Uh clung to that guy Socially, he had a social circle. He had a lot of friends And in status, he was the king's son so he had a lot of people Admiring him because of his of his advantage and therefore they fell for his great swelling words And you know, basically he was just walking after his own loss. What did he want? He wanted the kingdom What did he want? He wanted to destroy his father's kingdom. He slept with all his wives all ten of his concubines And ultimately, he was just a murmuring complainer. He was always whining about something trying to get an advantage so And obviously people can think of examples in their family examples with their friends, you know I told you about the recent thing when I was crew leader at work and uh You know, there's example here's some examples in church Oh pastor doesn't have time. Let me help you. Oh miss sherry is too busy. Let me help you. Here's another one people, um That whisper things to each other during church about things they disagree with the pastor about so People probably don't realize that I see them do this and maybe they're not whispering about anything bad but when I see when I say something that's kind of controversial Or something that someone maybe I feel like maybe someone doesn't agree with this And I turn or I look and I see the husband whispering to the wife something That is passive aggressive in my mind And maybe you didn't mean anything by it Maybe you just like don't listen to what are you saying right now if that's what you're saying You know what the bible says to teach your wives at home the bible doesn't say To sit there and whisper to your wife while the pastor's looking at you. That's passive aggressive. You're being passive aggressive towards me Acting like I don't know what i'm talking about. If you don't agree with something that i'm preaching that's fine But you don't have to make a spectacle of yourself In the middle of a church service and whisper to someone else i've seen people do it a lot it really irritates me And when I see people do it, maybe I'll just should just call them out. Like is there something that I need to know too? You know or you know, what does the bible say if your wife has a question let her ask that question at home Teach your family at home if you and I don't care if you disagree with me about stuff. That's fine But don't do it in the middle of a church service while i'm watching you That's passive aggressive Here's another example uh Let's see Yeah, how about when One lady just says hi to every single person in the room except for one other lady That's passive aggressive behavior. That's trying to make someone feel uncomfortable in front of everybody else. It's passive aggressive. That's wicked And there are people that i've seen do this also Like they'll say hi to every other woman in the church except for my wife If you've got a problem with my wife, why don't you just go to her? And say hey, you know i've had this problem with you for a while or whatever and work that thing out But instead you just continue To just act all passive aggressive toward her this whole time. It's just so You know, it's so obvious that you do it You know, and if you're the person that i'm talking to I don't even know You know who i'm talking to exactly right now Well, i'm just saying if that's something that you do that's a tactic of a passive aggressive person. You should stop doing that. It's wicked You should just have You know the sand To tell someone how you feel about them And quit pretending like you like them or quit pretending You know or quit being passive aggressive towards them at church in front of other people Because don't you think that that I mean you obviously know what you're doing when you say hi, oh hi And then that one person you never you don't talk to the whole day It's hard for you to just say goodbye at the end of the church service to them. It's kind of weird It's passive aggressive for sure so The bible calls those people scorners Scorn is a person who expresses contempt or disdain for someone or something proverbs 9 7 Says he that reproveth a scorner getteth to himself a shame And he that rebuketh a wicked man getteth himself a blot So that means we're not supposed to rebuke people Well, I would say that this is someone that you already know is this way Or maybe you've already rebuked them And they shame you or maybe you've already reproved them and they uh They act all crazy towards you It says reprove not a scorn or lest he hate thee So once you realize hey i've reproved them i've rebuked them and they hate you for that That means that that person's a scorner I mean, isn't that what the bible says either reprove the score get himself ashamed He that rebuke of the wise a wicked man get it himself a blot Reprove not a scorn or lest he hate thee Rebuke a wise man and he will love thee what the apostle paul Due to peter. He said he was acting he was acting a fool acting like a judaizer and paul rebuked him to the face He confronted him directly and said hey You know what you're doing is not right You know, he told he rebuked him in front of everybody to his face because he had to do that because of the situation now That's not always the situation But peter was a wise man And peter took that But see if you did that to someone that's a wicked passive-aggressive person scorer Then they're not going to react that way And so that's when you know the difference between who you're dealing with whether you're dealing with a wise man Or whether you're dealing with a scorer I hope that makes sense whether you're dealing with a passive-aggressive scorer that just hates your guts Or whether you're dealing with a wise person that could just say you know what you're right I am wrong and I need to get my act together so The bible says if thou be wise in verse 12 thou shalt be wise for thyself, but if thou scornest Thou alone shall bear it And there is going to be a reckoning and here's the thing We might not always You know This person might be a passive-aggressive Scorner to you for your whole life or your whole career with them in church or your whole career with them at work or In your family or whatever But you know who's gonna avenge you someday? It's gonna be god and so you don't always have to avenge or revenge yourself Sometimes you just have to say you know what this person is really skilled at what they're doing Maybe these people don't realize what they're doing Maybe these people in church don't see the game that this person is playing Maybe this person at work, maybe all these people at work don't see This person that's put himself in an advantageous position and act like he's the best friend of the boss. Maybe all that's true But you know the thing is is that god Says but if thou scornest thou alone shall bear it you're gonna deal With the scorning that you do, you know how you're gonna deal with that. God's gonna deal with it for you He's the one that's gonna smack you around You know, we don't have to necessarily expose every scorner. Hey, once you realize you got a scorner on your hands Then you know that you if you go back to them again, they're just gonna Deal with you shamefully again They're gonna make you ashamed. They're gonna say oh wow. I was just joking or they're gonna be like You know embarrass you in front of people because maybe you don't talk as well as them in front of other people See some people can argue Even if they're in a position that they're wrong They still are a better arguer than you are and so you still look like the fool And so when you know, you're dealing with a scornful person that just hates you And you try to keep rebuking them and going to them you're gonna get yourself a blot You're gonna get yourself shame. And so you should just know hey, this person's not a wise person Just need to go away, you know, stay away from them so And some people are fools and reproving Them and rebuking them reveals what they are to you So when you when you rebuke these fools And you approve these fools it reveals to you what they are And so these verses can be helpful to you To know hey, you know, I you know, but obviously try to go things through the direct channels be You know just just be a man and just tell someone to their face Do you have a problem with them? I don't understand, you know for a long time in my life I was it was hard for me to do that. I'll just admit it But you know As i've gotten older, I don't think anybody would say that I have a hard time You know confronting people to their face because I do it all the time but uh You know, I just even at work, you know I used to be a person at work that would fall in these traps with these people sometimes and I would be so distraught over it and now I just I just say it right to their face. You got a problem? Let's deal with it and then It gets dealt with and then we move on we're still friends And that's the way it should be Matthew 5 37 says we'll let your communication be yay. Yay or nay nay for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil Well, what am I trying to say? Well when you communicate with people, hey, are you are you have a problem with me? Yes, I do Or no, I don't not Not really And then you act all sad You get the pouty face You get the pouty puss and people just That's just the way people are but you know what say what you mean? Don't be a little weasel Don't try to scurry away from every kind of conflict that you have Sometimes people need to know that you have a problem with them and you know what? It'll make you feel way better to just confront the person head on than it will be to Lie to them and say you don't have a problem with them and then continue to have a problem with them It's really an escape, you know, it makes your soul feel better So if you have a problem with someone have the stones to say it to them And you know if I ask you if you're upset about something tell me the truth If i'm asking you I want to know the answer Maybe there's just a misunderstanding between us that happens So and what I don't expect is fake passive aggressive people To just you know act like they're my friend, but in reality they're talking crap behind my back Pastors do it sometimes to other preachers You know and and it's happened a lot lately And here's how I deal with an issue where I need to teach or unteach something to my church that I might not agree with the doctrine so just You know, if if i'm preaching something like if i'm preaching the lord's supper, obviously there's disagreements Within our camp about how that Takes place, you know, i'm just gonna be open about it. Yeah, there's disagreements about it and so but what i'm not gonna do is i'm not gonna get up and say Pastor this pastor so and so he's such an idiot, you know, he's a retard, you know That's not how I deal with my friends, you know with my friends I would just you know, and obviously I wouldn't say that about my friends anyways, but You know, I just think that the best way to deal with things like that is just to teach what the bible says you know and win your people over by Just showing them what the bible says and if they agree with you then they're then you've gained You know the confidence of your congregation so you know and pastors do this sometimes people get out of control and you know I I think that For a pastor to be passive aggressive in his preaching I just think it's wrong. You know, I think if we're friends that we shouldn't do that to each other now You know, I just had some issues with some pastors and one of the pastors apologized to me So and I think that's great And i'm happy to be friends When people apologize and and they realize that they did something wrong and hey, maybe I did some wrong stuff, too but I just don't want to be a man that cuts down. God's fruit trees if I think someone's doing Good work for the lord. They're getting people saved and they're teaching their congregation, right? The more power to them. I don't have to be friends with people But i'm not going to just cut them down publicly week after week month after month day after day year after year so if I disagree with somebody on a Doctrinal subject I just preach what the bible says and I might say something along the lines of well, you know Some pastors preach it differently, but this is what we believe at the church Nothing wrong with that. But if I vehemently and now if someone's preaching heresy, that's a whole nother story but If I disagree with something someone says I don't just go cut that person down and make it very clear who i'm talking about but then Stop by not saying their name You know that is passive aggressive preaching and I don't really like that I know it happens and it happens a lot, but that's just not something I want to do and maybe if I have I'm sure i've done it But I don't want to be that way. And so maybe that's why this was on my heart in the first place to preach but You know, I might not agree with someone's doctrine but again If i'm friends with somebody and even even while i'm preaching and I it seems like i'm passively aggressively Hitting someone i'm not that's not my aim to do I don't have to mention people's names when i'm trying to preach some truth into them But again attacking that person for the per for the character that they are Like saying you're an idiotic moron retard all that kind of stuff to one of my church members. That's not how I should preach to people you know or people, you know, if someone's a Like a wicked reprobate I would talk about them like that but as far as it being like my friend i'm not going to do that So And if others do that Then that's their problem and they can be friends with who they want and i'll be friends with who I want but that's just how I feel about it, so you know and Again, I want to be graceful to god's people. I want to be graceful to other pastors as much as possible and it's really hard sometimes because there's been some definite cracks on me And my friends About all the coronavirus stuff and all that stuff. But anyway, i'm past all that so and i'm happy that uh, you know i've You know had some reconciliation with Some friends and things like that uh, so i'm happy for that because you know sometimes just picking up a phone and saying hey Let's talk about this that's the best way to do it not passively aggressively preaching against each other And things like that. So anyway, uh You know people say i'm too nice And maybe sometimes I am you know, but i'd rather be forgiving and graceful and tenderhearted and show mercy to people. That's just how I feel about it, so So, how do we deal with people like this again, we Directly confront them and then we can know whether they're wise or a scorner We should directly confront them tell them they've offended us If they won't hear you bring two witnesses if they still won't hear you tell it to the church and again The matthew 18 situation doesn't fit every situation. Okay, so and i'm not going to take a matthew 18 situation to another pastor You know pastors can deal with their own church members. That's how I feel about that So if it's another pastor that you're trying to matthew 18 me with You know That's not the pastor of my church That's the pastor of their own church and their own people can deal with that kind of stuff so anyway, uh You know, but when you directly confront someone and they make you look foolish because they're just a better talker than you You should understand the situation you're in And you should realize What's going on that could be the trap that they're setting for you and you fall right into it like an idiot or a fool Okay Don't be foolish with How you address someone don't jump don't fall into their trap I mean because that's what they want to do. They want to trap you And to saying something so they can cut you down And you don't want that to happen and again know when it's time to ignore them sometimes ignoring people Makes them even more mad So there's people that I know we're trying to just pick at me and pick at me And I just ignore them. You know what they blew their top And that's what people will do. They'll blow their top and make themselves look foolish. You know, sometimes it's best to just let them reveal themselves you know and know that this um You know, we're not supposed to be afraid To confront people so we need to be bold as a lion The bible says the wicked flee when no man pursueth, but the righteous Are bold as a lion So we need to know that as god's people we're supposed to be bold with people and confrontational without being a jerk You know, sometimes you do have to be a jerk. So just depends on the situation. So the bible says i'm going to finish here, but bible says in deuteronomy 23 Verse one it says he that's wounded in the stones or at this privy matter were cut off Shall enter into the congregation of the lord So if you come to our church instead of being passive-aggressive, why don't you have the stones? to confront Things head on or just keep your mouth shut Just keep your mouth shut If you can't if you have to be passive-aggressive Then shut up Don't even be it If you can't confront someone to the face, you don't have the stones to be in the congregation of the lord Don't be passive-aggressive. It's wicked And you can see by the life of epsilon how when it goes unchecked it has a really bad ending So number one passive-aggressive people use resentment and opposition to achieve their goals Number two, they use procrastination and intentional mistakes to go against leadership Number three, they use cynical sullen or hostile attitudes To get what they want And number four they use frequent complaints About feeling unappreciated or cheated to manipulate People so hopefully that sticks with you And maybe I was a little crass and some of the things I said this morning I definitely wasn't as fiery as I normally would be but I do not feel good still so That's just the way it is. But anyway, I hope you have the rest of a blessed day This sunday and don't forget that brother blake is going to be preaching At 3 30 pm today and church will be Open back to our normal schedule on sunday morning. So Let's have a word of prayer heavenly father. We thank you lord so much for this wonderful day I gotta just pray that you'd bless brother blake as he preaches later on and pray that you'd help us To realize when we're being passive-aggressive or how to deal with passive-aggressive people. I hope that this was a help to people lord and maybe some other people could Come up with some other good ways to deal with this and lord, I just Pray that something people think about because it's not preached about very often And I pray that you would just bless the rest of our day Help those that are still sick to feel better in jesus name we pray. Amen