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Amen. Romans chapter three. So keep your place there. We'll get there in just a few minutes. So this morning we're going to talk, actually this morning and tonight, and then really the next two weeks, we're going to talk about relationships. We're going to talk about relationships in the Sunday morning service this morning. Tonight we're starting a sermon series about relationships, and then next week we'll finish that sermon series and also have another sermon Sunday morning about relationships. So basically the title of the sermon this morning is a short list. A short list. So this morning I want to talk about how to have relationships that last for the long haul. So you say what do you mean by that? The average, if you look up just studies on just friendships, I mean obviously there's many more important relationships in our lives than just friendships, but if you look up you know just secular studies on friendships, the average friendship is about seven years for people. You know I mean it would be nice to have friends longer than seven years. I mean wouldn't you say? I mean if you could find a way to have relationships that lasted your whole life, just imagine the impact that that would have on you. Imagine the impact that it would have on, I don't know, like how about your marriage? You know it would have a great impact on your marriage. It would have a great impact on your church life. Church life studies are similar. There's about you know when you look at you know studies on especially Baptists and how long people stay with the same church, you're looking at about forty to fifty percent of people that stay in the same church for more than twenty years. And for some reason, I mean I think I understand what this reason is, but it seems that the older people get, the better they are at staying in the same church, which it makes sense. The older you get, the more stable you are in your life, hopefully. You know that seems to be the trend, but just imagine if you could have relationships, a marriage, a church life that just lasted your whole life. I mean how great would that be? The thing is the Bible tells us how we can accomplish this, and it's not a complicated thing. So first of all, you're in Romans chapter 3. Look, if you follow everything that is preached from the Bible this Sunday and next Sunday, you will have relationships that last your whole life. You will have a marriage that lasts your whole life. You will have a church life that lasts your whole life. And you have friends that last your whole life, if you can do these things. All right, they're very simple things, but for some reason, you know, the flesh gets in the way and people make mistakes in this path, and this is why people have, you know, friends that don't last their whole life and things like this. Go to Romans chapter 3. So we're talking about a short list. That's the title of the sermon this morning. I'm going to show you how to have relationships that last, you know, longer than seven years this morning. But first of all, we need a problem statement. Before we can solve something, you know, we need to understand what the problem is. In Romans chapter 3, if you're a soul winner, you know exactly what I'm talking about with these verses. Look at verse number 10 in Romans chapter 3. So we're going to define the problem first of all. Here's the problem that you're going to run into in all of your relationships. I don't care what relationship we're talking about. You're going to run into these problems. Romans chapter 3 and verse 10, the Bible says, as it is written, there is none righteous, no not one. Nobody is righteous. Meaning, you know, righteous meaning you do right all the time or a lot of people will define it as perfect. You never make a mistake. Alright, look at Romans 3, verse number 23. The Bible says, for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. You say, what are you trying to tell me, pastor? I already know this. I already know these things. It's obvious that everybody's a sinner. It's obvious that nobody is perfect. Well, here's the problem. Here's the problem. In this life, with these people, you say, what people? All the people. With all the people that you're going to deal with in your life. All the people, you know, what about this church? Yeah, the people in this church. All the people in this church, including and up to the pastor and the pastor's wife and the pastor's family, are sinners. They are not righteous. They go wrong all the time, okay? They say, what does that mean? It means they say and do the wrong things, basically, to just sum it up. So we're dealing with all these people in our lives. It's kind of like, it's like an equation where every variable is moving. Where every variable is not constant. Like, you're not righteous. People you deal with, people you're friends with, are not righteous. We're all sinners. But look, this is cause and effect, is what I'm talking to you about this morning. The cause is that we're all unrighteous. We're all sinners. The effect is that there's going to be conflict. That's the effect. It's, you know, cause and effect. Like, you know, Johnny took a cookie. So, Johnny, the effect, the cause is Johnny took a cookie. The effect is Johnny got a spanking, right? A simple cause and effect. Because we are all imperfect. We are all sinners. There is going to be conflict in our relationships. And look, especially in a church. Because we spend a lot of time together in this church. We come to church three times a week. We hang out for hours, talking many times till late in the night. And look, there's just there's just going to be conflict, you know, when you have relationships where there's so much time spent together. Meaning, people are going to say and do things that offend you. It's very, very simple. Someone's going to, you know, someone's going to insult you at some point in your life. You know, either directly or indirectly. You know, maybe there's like these people that gaslight you. They're insulting you and and and like they're not directly insulting you. Gaslighting is where you're like, was that a shot at me? You know, when people are making comments and just like, is he insulting me? Is he insulting me by that comment? You'd be shocked how many times people do this to a pastor, actually. Happens to me quite a bit. But, you know, some maybe it's just something simple. Like, somebody says something in a group of friends that they think is really funny, but you don't think it's funny. You know, you're like, that's not funny. You know, maybe it was at your expense. It offended you. Maybe somebody does something. You know, you get to be good friends with somebody and maybe you go into business or you do something where you're you're trading services or something. Somebody does something that ends up costing you money. Ends up costing you, you know, they borrow something and then they they don't pay you back or maybe somebody even just outright just steals from you. I mean, these types of things are going to happen in relationships in your life. They borrow something and they wreck it or whatever. I mean, these are the types of things that are going to happen to you in relationships in your life. Guaranteed. Guaranteed. So, you don't have to have something like this happen to you and be like, oh man, I have to nuke the world because this happened to me. No, this happens to everybody because everybody is a sinner and everybody is dealing with sinners. So, how do we get along? How could you possibly, when you're dealing with people like this, when I say people like this, I mean people in general. That's what Romans chapter 3 is telling us. It's saying all people are like this. All people are going to do things that are wrong. How do we get along? How do we have relationships that last longer than this seven years that is the average today? You know, many people don't have any friends at all, but people that have friends, the average is seven years. Especially in a church, which is my goal. My goal would be that everybody in this church has friends and brothers and sisters in Christ and they are like that forever. I know that that's not going to happen, you know, a hundred percent, but the higher the percentage of that is, the more successful I feel like I am as a church leader. That's what I want. That's my goal. That's why sermons like this need to probably be preached more, not less. Because so many people, I mean, think about, think about just from my perspective. You know, I mean, as far as, you know, offending people and having people, you know, having relationships, I want to have a good relationship with everybody in the church. But, I mean, here I am. I preach 150 plus sermons a year and many of the sermons I preach are actually sermons that people don't necessarily want to hear all the time. That's quite a spot to be in for me. I mean, so look, but the point I'm trying to make is this. With relationships in our lives, it is a matter of if, not when, somebody will offend you or upset you or wrong you in some way, right. I'm not even saying that like, you know, you're, that it could be a legitimate wrong. It is just a matter of time. It is going to happen. And then what happens in that case is that people end up building a list against people. People end up building a list of offenses that people have done to them. So the title of the sermon, as I said, is a short list. So I'm going to show you from the Bible this morning how to keep that short list. And more importantly, really, how to clear that list. Because the Bible teaches us two very simple steps on how to have a clear list with people. If you want to have friends, if you want to have a friend that is a great friend for the rest of your life, your list with that friend will be clear. And at any moment in time, it will at least be very short and then hopefully cleared very quickly using this method. If you look, you want to have a great marriage, you will have a short list and you will have a clear list with your spouse, all right. So let's look at this process and see what the Bible has to say. Go to 1st Corinthians chapter 6. When it comes to someone offending you, somebody doing wrong, and I don't care who it is, I don't care if it's your friend, your brother, your sister, if it's your pastor, if it's your spouse, I don't care who it is, you have two choices when somebody offends you. Look at 1st Corinthians chapter 6. Let's look at the first choice. So we're looking at how to keep a short list with people. And not only have that short list, but how to clear that list with people. Because when you end up with a long list against somebody, that is when relationships end. And that is why people don't have relationships beyond just a few years. Look at 1st Corinthians chapter 6. Now keep in mind that Paul is writing this letter to a church in Corinth. Look at 1st Corinthians chapter 6 and verse number 1. The Bible says this, dare any of you having a matter against another. Here we have some conflict right here. Go to law before the unjust and not before the Saints. Do you not know that the Saints shall judge the world? And if the world shall be judged by you, are you unworthy to judge the smallest matters? Here you had these people in this church. You say, oh man, there's, you know, there's been, there's been conflict in churches since the beginning of churches. And here was a church where these people had matters against each other. What were they doing? They were suing each other. They were taking church members to, like, the judge to the Gentiles, the, you know, the Romans. I mean, they were literally suing. He's like, why in the world would you be doing this? He's like, this is not what you should do. He's like, don't you know that the Saints, he's like, the people in your church are gonna be judging, you know, they're gonna be ruling during the millennial reign with Christ. He's like, don't you think that they can handle these small silly little matters amongst yourself? Don't you think that they're basically saying that, don't you think Christians have better judgment than just, like, the worldly secular authorities out there? He's like, what are you doing? Look at this, verse 4. If you then have judgments of things pertaining to this life, he's saying matters of, he's not talking about doctrine, he's not talking about, you know, the gospel, he's talking about just, like, just matters that pertaining to this life, material things, you know, silly arguments. He says, set them to judge who are least esteemed in the church. He's like, you are better you'd be better off taking the least reliable person, the person with the worst reputation in the church, and letting them judge the matter than going to the outside authorities. I mean, that is a hundred percent true. I mean, who in the world would listen to, like, the judgment of, especially, you know, a secular government? I mean, what in the world, right? He's like, I speak to your shame, it is so that there is not a wise man among you? Know ye not that one shall be able to judge between his brethren? But, brother, go to law with brother, and that before the unbelievers. It's like these people were suing each other, taking their business to the unbelievers. Look at verse number 7. Now he gives them the solution. Here's the first best solution when you have conflict with somebody, especially in the church. He says, now therefore there's utterly a fault among you. He's not denying the fact there's actually something that's been done wrong. There's a fault. He says, but, you know, the fault now that you have is that you're suing each other. He says, because you go to law with one another. He's like, now, like, you all have problems, regardless of who is right or wrong in that situation. He's saying, you're at fault, you're all at fault now, because, you know, you're suing each other. He says, why do you not rather take wrong? Why do you not rather suffer yourselves to be defrauded? So that's the first method right there. Somebody offends you in the church. Paul is just saying, I have those two words underlined in my Bible. He says, the first best thing that you can do is just take wrong. What's that mean? He's saying just, then he defines it later as, suffer yourself to be defrauded, he says. Now what that means is just, you know what it means? It means, it means just let it go. It's matters of this life. It's matters of this life. It's either material things or your emotions or whatever. He's like, the best thing that you could do, choice number one, to keep a short list for people. And look, if you could just do this with everything, you'll have a clear list with people. He's saying, you know what? He's like, just let it go. He's like, just suffer yourself to be defrauded. You know, look, some people, some people are offended by everything. There's actually a term for an entire generation of people called the snowflake generation. Like, you can look it up and like, it's a, it's a defined generation, you know, term at this point, of basically anybody that became an adult after 2010. So 2010, 2011, and on, if you became an adult at that point, there's just this generation. They just can't handle anything. They're offended by everything. Everything offends them. This is the advice that that generation needs to take. You know what? Take wrong. Take wrong. I mean, look, it's all about, look, the problem with the snowflake generation of people that are offended by literally everything is that they will achieve nothing. Because it's always somebody that did them wrong. It's always somebody else, you know, it's always what they didn't get. It's always, you know, how they were disadvantaged according to what somebody did to them. You know, it's, it's, look, this, this whole snowflake thing and being offended by everything is a disease unto itself. So the Bible says the best thing you can do when somebody offends you is just take wrong. That's it. Right? Because what this, what being a snowflake actually does and what it actually means is that by just blaming everything and being offended by everything, what it really translates to is that you take responsibility for nothing. Is that nothing is ever your fault. You know, this is the person that's just making excuse after excuse after excuse for every single failure that they have. So we shouldn't be that person. All right? As far as, you know, getting offended, we shouldn't just, you know, you should ask yourself, you know, do I get offended by it too much? If you're just constantly offended by people, you're constantly just like, this person offended me and this person offended me, and you're constantly being offended by people wherever you go, not just at church, at work, other places. Look, you might be a snowflake. And it's a major problem because, look, that means, you know what that means? It means you don't have the ability to do what Paul is saying in 1st Corinthians chapter 6. You don't have the ability to take wrong. You don't have the ability to let things go. Now look, letting it go, let me just say, taking wrong, suffering yourself to be defrauded means, like, we have to first understand what that means too. That means not letting it stack up. That means deleting it. That means delete key. That's what that means. It doesn't mean going to other people being like, this person did this to me, but I'm just gonna suffer myself to be defrauded. And you go and just talk a bunch of trash about what somebody did to you, but then I'm just gonna suffer myself to be defrauded. No, you're not suffering yourself to be defrauded. You're doing what we're gonna talk about in just a few minutes. But suffering yourself to be defrauded means you shut up and you let it go. That's what it means. It means you take the wrong. You don't go and spread a bunch of trash saying, ah, I'm just, and then people are like, oh, you're such a great, you know, spiritual person that you're, you're suffering. No, it means you be quiet and you just let it go. You take the wrong. You see, I can't do that. This particular case, I just, I can't do it. I can't let it go. I don't have the ability to do that. Maybe it's a weakness that I have, you say. Maybe it's just like, I feel like the offense was so great that I need to deal with it. Well, there's another option in the Bible. Turn to Matthew chapter 18. You say, I can't let it go. Now, Matthew chapter 18, and I will preach about this till I'm blue in the face, but it is the most simple, consistent doctrine in the Bible from Jesus, by the way, from Jesus himself, that Christians routinely ignore. And the results, look, the results, if they ignore this, are absolutely devastating. They're devastating to the person that ignores it, and many times they're devastating to many people around them that they involve as well. Look at Matthew chapter 18, verse number 15. So, obviously, the first best option, if somebody offends you, is to just let it go. Suffer yourself to be defrauded. The second one is this. Look at Matthew chapter 18. You say, I just can't do that. I can't do that in this case. It's just too great. I feel like, you know, if I just let it go, it's not going to help things, that it's a big problem. Well, look at Matthew chapter 18, verse number 15. The Bible says, Jesus says, Moreover, if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone. If he shall hear thee, thou has gained a brother. Now, notice something here. Notice something in this verse. It says, first of all, somebody really trespassed against you. It's assuming that, like, you've been done wrong here. So, somebody came and they did me wrong, or they did you wrong. The Bible is saying, hey, you know, that's fine. Go and tell him his fault between thee and him. Now, wouldn't it just be good enough to say between thee and him? Wouldn't it be good enough to just say, hey, go and tell him his fault between thee and him. Why put that extra word in there? That extra word in there is there to make a point. That extra word is there to show you how important it is that you go to that individual person that offended you, and you go and you tell him alone. It is saying, tell him, and just like alone. Not, not go to 50 other people, and then go to him, or her, or whatever. It's saying, look, it's like, it's fine. If somebody trespassed against you, I get it. That's going to happen, is what Jesus is saying here. He's like, it's easy to solve. He's like, you go straight to him alone. There's not a bunch of people around. It's just, you go up to your brother, and you just tell them, hey, you know, brother, you offended me. And look, and it says here, if he shall hear thee, thou has gained thy brother. Now look, here's the thing, you know, it doesn't mean you go around to 20 people lobbying your case before you do this. You don't go around, you know, campaigning. Look, this is a cultural thing today. This is a cultural thing that people think is normal. People think it is normal to have somebody wrong them and to just go around and tell everybody else how somebody wronged them. It's normal. I brought up, you know, it's in like, there used to be a TV show called Survivor. Maybe there still is, I don't know, but that's what they encourage that there. You go around, and you talk behind people's back, and you come up with, you know, different things to, you know, it's a cultural thing. Like, people literally, like, I will like, you know, this is a common thing with, like, you know, in the workplace, I've done this for years and years and years. Whenever somebody is texting or emailing somebody, and, you know, if that conversation goes awry in some way, where there's some kind of, you know, perceived conflict in that email conversation, the advice I will always give to that person is, whenever you think that there's a conflict, through email, you get up and you go talk to that person directly. No more emails, no more texts. It's like, you're just doing business between email, and all of a sudden, like, whoa, what was that all about? Get up and go talk to them immediately. Because many, I mean, that, but that's not the culture today. The culture today is to go and tell coworkers and be like, you believe this guy sent me this email? What in the world? You believe this? You believe this email? I mean, do you believe the tone of this? First of all, like, texts and emails can just be completely miss understood. You know, I had a, you know, sometimes you're just, like, having a complicated conversation with somebody. It's better to just pick up the phone. You know, because it's hard to explain certain things, but the problem is, the problem is, if you get this wrong, even though the culture is saying that you should do it this way today, if you get this wrong, and you go the way the culture is, it will destroy relationships. This is the problem. See, because people today, I think it's our technological culture as well, with texts and emails, people are so brave behind a keyboard today. People are so brave, you know, with their phone and their thumbs and with their keyboard, you know, people are so brave, but they're really adverse to talking to people face to face. They're really nervous and they really don't like doing that. It's really easy to trash people on a screen with a text message or email, and it's really easy to misunderstand people in those types of communication as well. People just have this, you know, this adverse reaction to going and getting up and talking to somebody face to face, and it's a problem, because what does the Bible say that you must do as soon as you're offended? If you're offended and you can't let it go, what must you do immediately? You must go talk to them face to face. You must go address it to them. Turn to 1 Peter 4. So just because people consider this behavior normal today, you cannot let yourself fall into this, because if you do, it will ruin your relationships in your life. And much more than that, it will damage and hurt many other people. Turn to 1 Peter chapter 4. And here's the thing. Here's the silly thing about it. It makes no logical sense. If you're a logical person, just think this through with me. Somebody does you wrong. Somebody, let me, Matthew 18 says, you know, somebody trespassed against you. You legitimately have a beef with this person, and you've decided, look, and it's your right to say, I'm not going to suffer myself to be defrauded on this. It is your right to follow Matthew chapter 18 and go talk to this person. So you've been trespassed against. Somebody's done you wrong. Okay? Now, you're going to go and you're going to act in such a way where you become a sinner. Where you become a sinner in this situation. Of course, you're a sinner, but I mean, the point is, you're going to make yourself at fault. I have no fault if somebody trespasses against me. I have no fault if somebody does me wrong or offends me. I have no fault there. But I can act in such a way where I become at fault. Does that make sense? Why in the world would you ever want to do that? I mean, it's like you get in an argument with your spouse. Let me give you a hypothetical situation. I've never actually been in an argument with my spouse because I'm the pastor and my marriage is perfect. But let's just say that you get in an argument with your spouse. And let's say your spouse legitimately did something that offended you. Not that my wife would ever do that or I would ever do that to her. It's never happened in 23 years. I can't even say it with a straight face. But let's say that the spouse legitimately offends you. And then you just get upset and you just fly off the handle and tell a friend or something. It's like now you're at fault. Now you have something. Now she could be offended or I could be offended in the situation. And now, see, you don't want to do this because now there's more things to work out. Now I'm building a list. She's building a list. We're both building lists. Neither of us are following, you know, the process of the Bible. And like these lists just keep growing. Look, it's a snowball effect that will just destroy and it destroys relationships. It destroys relationships. Look at 1 Peter chapter 4. Look at 1 Peter chapter 4. So if you don't follow Matthew 18 exactly and go to thee and him alone. Look at 1 Peter chapter 4. Look at verse 15. It says, it says, but let none of you suffer as a murderer or as a thief or as an evildoer or as a busy body in other men's affairs, in other men's matters. Sorry. What you've done is not only have you made yourself at fault by not going to them alone, but now you have involved some other innocent person in your mess. Because here's another cultural thing that's quite wrong in our culture today and I'm sure culture from the beginning of time. People love to hear about other people's garbage. It's just like a sin nature thing. I don't know what it is. So when somebody comes and they want to tell you a bunch of trash about somebody else people are like oh, because I don't know if it makes them feel better or what it does. But people love to, now they are involved in that. Now they're complicit in this sin that you have now started even when you were wronged. You were wronged at the beginning. Now you're starting to sin yourself in the situation and what's worse is you're involving other people in your sin. You see how terrible this is? You see how this can grow and just get completely out of control? I mean somebody comes to you and you're like so and so wronged me. So and so wronged me. And they haven't talked to the other person about it. They're literally, if somebody comes to you and says that they're literally trying to make you a sinner in the situation, please remember that. That's why like you know the advice should always be like have you you know just be a brother that is sharpening his brother. A brother that somebody comes to you and says so and so wronged me and so and so offended me. Brother you should go and talk to him immediately about that. You should go and just refer him to Matthew 18 and just brother you should not, you go and tell people just go and talk to him about it. Just talk to him about it. But you know the funny thing is many times people get this wrong on purpose. People do this wrong on purpose because they want to hurt the person that wronged them. You know they want to just like it's basically a way, turn to Proverbs chapter 26, it's basically a way for them to get back. They don't want to fix the situation. They just want to get back at the person that they feel trespassed against and look it's a really evil thing to do that. It's called being a tail bearer and the Bible talks about being a tail bearer all over the Bible but look at this in Proverbs chapter 26 verse number 22 to back up my point that I'm trying to get you to understand that by not following Matthew 18 exactly and not going to him alone and involving other people the damage that you do by becoming a tail bearer because that's what you just did you just became a tail bearer. Look at Proverbs 26 verse 22 the Bible says Proverbs 26 and verse number 22 the Bible says the words of a tail bearer that is you if you are not following Matthew 18 and you are going campaigning and gossiping and trying to get people on your side from someone that you believe trespassed against you you are a tail bearer and look what the Bible says it says the words of a tail bearer are as wounds. You know what that means? It means they hurt people intentionally. They're wounding people. Look what it says and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly. What this says is that they're doing great damage to people. These words that you're speaking by being a tail bearer so I mean think about how logically stupid this is if you're like just legitimately wanting to have good relationships somebody's going to offend you in your life. I'm going to offend you guaranteed. I'm going to say the wrong look I may legitimately offend you like I may like legitimately say something from the pulpit my wife was just reading we were reading through Acts the other day and it came up to the story of Dorcas you know I kind of had some fun with that name when I preached that and the Bible said that Dorcas was a disciple and my wife's like I thought you said like during the sermon that like she wasn't saved or something and I'm like I never would have said that why would I have said that and I was like I was going to get her you know I was going to prove her wrong and I went back to my sermon and I made some comment in the sermon like after Dorcas got raised from the dead you know I was like hey maybe you know she went on to do even greater things and maybe if she wasn't saved she got saved and I mean I'm like I don't know why I would have said that because like it says she's a disciple which means I assume she's saved but here's the thing like I don't know I say some things that you just say stuff you know. I was like okay you can I can but it's kind of nice that she remembered that little tiny little snippet it was one sentence you know she's like I'm offended I'm like I'm just kidding she wasn't offended but I mean the point is is like you get up and you preach and you say things and sometimes like you know maybe you say the wrong thing I mean it's possible why because I'm a sinner that's why because I'm not perfect I'm not righteous just like you're not perfect obviously I mean if I'm up here just preaching false doctrine I mean that's a whole nother story I'm not you know trying to excuse anything any pastor that would do that but the point is people I don't even know where I was going with this but the point is people do stuff wrong and it could legitimately say things that upset you why turn yourself into a sinner into a tale bearer that can go and just damage a bunch of people when the Bible gives you clear direction on how to handle it on how to handle something like that right so look look at back at Matthew chapter 18 in Matthew chapter 18 if you do do this correctly if you do do this correctly here's where it all goes wrong you know it all goes wrong folks when it when it goes wrong it goes wrong in step one but if you do it right and you go to him and him alone 99% of the time that's it it's over and you've what what does the Bible say you've done you've gained a brother you know what that means it means you're still friends it means the list clear because you know a lot of times a lot of times when people are offended and they go to somebody that was offended you know what the reaction is going to be many times in my experience my short experience as a pastor many times the experience is going to be that person is like oh I didn't even know I I'm sorry you know I didn't even know I mean look if the person has a hard heart and they're like you should have been offended by that idiot and then you're like oh I'm offended again no but the point is 99% of the time when you have somebody with a right heart that goes to with their brother and somebody with a right heart that receives their brother and brother one says hey you know when you said this and I really took that personally and there's a bunch of people around and I you know I don't feel like you know that was the right thing to say 99% of the time it's gonna be like oh I am so sorry I didn't I didn't realize that that was offensive you know and I'll be more careful going forward next time or whatever right now look the person that yes there may be that's how you also learn who people are as well because if you have a brother a friend or whatever or even your wife or your husband and they come to you and they say hey this one thing really offended you and you're just like I had no idea that would offend you look you should you know apologize say you're sorry but you should also remember in that relationship going forward that hey you know they're very sensitive about these types of things you know look if you should figure that out about your wife you should figure that out about your husband you know I shouldn't you know do these types of things because they offend him or offend her and look you're gonna have a stronger relationship going forward you'll have less offenses going forward because of course friendships marriages are better off if you have less offenses not more you don't want to be the type of husband that's like apologizing like every single two hours right you don't want to be the type of wife that's constantly apologizing you know we did had to do Matthew 18 you know four times yesterday and you know it's it's like and it happens you know five times every every two days I mean you don't want to have that type of relationship either okay but look at Matthew chapter 18 so the point is this 99% of the time the list will be cleared if you do step one correctly so if you take let's do some math you take the fact that maybe you can suffer yourself to be defrauded you know 50% of the time and then 99% of the time you know you can you can clear things with step one there's gonna be like you know a very very small you know fraction of 1% of times that you even have to go to step two in Matthew chapter 18 but this is how thorough the Bible is the Bible gives you clear direction how to handle everything look at step two so you go to your brother you go to your sister and you say look you offended me and your brother or your sister I mean you know this is maybe more of a serious thing like okay maybe you had a business deal in the church and somebody did work on somebody's house and you know they didn't pay what they said they were gonna pay or something you know not that this should even be something serious but maybe it's more of a you know a real thing other than just words look at Matthew chapter 18 verse 16 and then they meet and and he says you know I remodeled your kitchen and you said you would pay me a thousand dollars and you didn't pay me anything and then the other brother says well I don't think that you know you did what you're supposed to do and I'm not paying you anything until you do what you're supposed to do and there's like a legitimate argument between these two neither one is gonna say I'll suffer myself to be defrauded neither one I mean look this is a bad situation because apparently that relationship is not worth more than $1,000 to either one of those two people right if they're neither one of them are willing to suffer themselves to be defrauded which is like if your relationship with somebody isn't worth more than a thousand bucks maybe you shouldn't risk more than a thousand bucks with that person you should think about these things you know if you if you have something that is so valuable to you if I have a tool that is more valuable to me than my friend I should never borrow that tool to my friend and that's a pitiful statement in itself but if I am literally gonna if I know myself well enough to where if I borrowed anything to somebody it could damage our relationship I would be better off saying I I do have that but I just I can't go without it I I can't borrow it to you I'm sorry you know I mean that would be look you're protecting the friendship if you just know that you're a super materialistic person and just like you know don't don't put your friendships on the line for stupid things of what what did Paul say of this life don't put friendships on the line like for that type of stuff but let's say that you have a legit you did it you have a legitimate argument neither one of you can get can can figure it out can get conclusion to it look at verse 16 but if he will not hear thee meaning you don't agree or whatever then take with thee one or two more that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established now it's important to know here that this isn't talking about you know two or three witnesses is just straight-up Bible doctrine like no one can accuse somebody no one should ever be able to accuse somebody of anything without two or three witnesses that's in the Levitical law that's in the New Testament all over the place it's everywhere all right but this is not talking about two or three witnesses that witnessed this offense they didn't have to be in the circle of people and heard the joke or heard the comment or been involved in the the house project or whatever what it's saying is that bring two or three people into the situation to witness every word meaning to help judge the situation that's what it's saying no look if this if this is in a church that second person should be the pastor or you know the pastor's wife you know should be involved if there's literally an argument in the church I would like to be that second person I would like my wife to be that second person to help judge that situation to what to establish every word that's all to just hear both sides and to pass some sort of you know righteous judgment on the situation you know trying to come up with some kind of basically these people are you know mediators this this second person this third person they're not a witness the offense they're just mediators all right so look most conflicts people have if they're done with the right heart will not even get to this point all right they are easily resolvable that's what's so silly about the serious damage that can be done if this isn't followed because if both people have the right heart it doesn't even matter really who was at fault at first it can be easily resolved okay it's when hearts are hard that people won't admit fault that people go and become a tailbearer you know it's this this pride that we have and the process is not followed in disaster strikes turn to Matthew chapter 18 again look at verse number 17 Matthew chapter 18 verse number 17 but then you know obviously if the two or three witnesses and I've never seen it get to this point okay then if the two or three witnesses can't resolve it then it'll be brought tell it under the church but if you neglect to hear the church let him be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican so somebody stole from somebody in the church he just will not admit it it's clear that he stole look it's saying like this person could literally be put out of the church for this right it'll never I mean it usually things people are put out of the church for other things you know things go wrong other places before it even gets to verse number 17 now turn to Ephesians chapter 4 so the point is really the two options are go you know suffer yourself to be defrauded like hit the delete key for sure select all delete right that's the first option that's the best option the second option is going to be go to him and him alone all right and that is going to solve ninety nine point nine percent of all your problems all your conflicts in your marriage in the church with your friendships everything now here's another key mistake right here turn to Ephesians chapter 4 here's a key mistake in this process all right here's a key mistake and this key mistake leads to becoming a tail bear leads to you know all the gossip and all the trash and all these things the question is this when should this be done think about your marriage think about your friendships think about your relationships in the church somebody offends me when should I take action when should I take action on step one or step two when look at Ephesians chapter 4 and verse 26 Ephesians chapter 4 and verse number 26 look what the Bible says says be angry and sin not so it's saying here be angry look does this say never get angry no look there is legitimate reasons to be angry how many people think here when Jesus went into the temple it started throwing over all the money changers tables that he was singing hymns and skipping along he was mad but he was legitimately mad it says be angry it doesn't this match perfectly what I've preached up to this point it says be angry and sin not somebody could legitimately trespass against me somebody could legitimately trespass against you and that could make you angry and you could be righteously angry somebody comes and and insults my my wife to my face I mean I will be immediately angry if that happens and you know what that will be legitimate but look what the Bible says says be angry and sin not it says it's okay to be angry but don't sin when you're angry it's okay people are gonna offend you you can get angry but don't sin and then it gives us how do we how do I not sin I'm so angry I just want to like strangle somebody what do I do well look what it says let not the Sun go down upon your wrath so what the Bible is saying here is when you get angry in this case if somebody offends you somebody causes an offense against you it's saying you must take care of it right away you have a problem in your marriage your wife offends you your husband offends you take care of it right away don't don't be mad for a week don't be like hey I'm not gonna speak to that guy for you know three weeks is then you know what you do then you know what you do look at the next few verses here this is so important you must take care of it right away why does the Bible say that why can't I be mad at my wife like I feel like I should not have to talk to her for four days for for what she did to me or what you said to me or whatever why does the Bible say that I should not do that the reason is is because when I get angry when somebody offends me when a friend offends me when a brother in Christ offends me it doesn't matter when somebody trespasses against me something I get angry something immediately starts happening immediately this is why the Bible is rightly saying that you must you must take care of it right away before the Sun goes down that means like now what if it's like 3 o'clock in the afternoon if somebody offends me I better get it done right away it look it's it's a metaphor it's saying don't don't hang on to it why why look at verse 29 look at verse 29 remember what I've told you so far remember what I've told you sorry look at that it's not an accident that these verses are just a couple verses later when it's saying take care of things right away it's okay if you get angry when somebody legitimately trespasses against you but look at verse 29 it says let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth you know what a tailbearer is that's corrupt communication you know somebody that's speaking words that wound people that wound people deeply that is corrupt communication but that which is good to the use of edifying that it may minister grace under the hearers and grieve not the Holy Spirit of God saying even the Holy Spirit inside you is going to be grieving if you do these things whereby you're sealed under the day of redemption redemption but look at verse 31 it says let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice I'm going to read for you Hebrews chapter 12 you just keep looking at those two verses it Hebrews chapter 12 verse 14 says follow peace with all men and holiness without which no man shall see the Lord looking diligently lest any man fail the grace of God any look what it says here root of bitterness springing up trouble you and thereby many be defiled doesn't this all fit together perfectly folks if somebody trespasses against me legitimately and then I wait and I don't take care of it in one of these two ways that I told you how to take care of it the Bible says that immediately a root of bitterness starts to grow inside me and the Bible you're like how fast does this root grow the Bible says I better take care of it right away because the root of bitterness grows fast it grows very quickly if I start building a list with people that bitterness root will grow and grow and grow and you know what look at those last two words of Ephesians chapter 4 and verse number 31 all malice you know what I'll do that root of bitterness will grow into a malice tree you know what these things are in verse number 31 these things in verse number 31 they are the fruits of bitterness and the fruits of bitterness come from a fully grown tree you know what an option one suffering yourself to deprot it be defrauded does an option two going and talking to that person right away between him and him alone you know what it does it immediately plucks out that root and it will not bear fruit it immediately you'll never have a bitterness tree this is why you must keep a short list and not only that you must clear the list what daily daily this process pulls out the root so you will never have a malice tree you know what malice is malice the definition of malice is is that what it's it's basically how I were this it's like the the willful you want to do harm to somebody if I have malice towards you that means I want to harm you you're like wow that sounds bad but guess what once gossip starts once this list starts to form and it lasts longer than a day two days three days then gossip comes in then tail bearing comes in then backbiting comes in you just want to hurt these people you just want to hurt these people and you know you have a you have a you have a malice tree at this point and the Bible says you're gonna you're gonna hurt yeah you're gonna hurt that person but you're also gonna hurt all kinds of people that you suck into all these sins these tail bearing sins the backbiting sins these railing sins that means that roots grown into a full blown tree this oh by the way by the way this other person that you go and tail bear to that can be your wife too don't have a toxic marriage that could be your husband too just because you're married doesn't mean that as a it says him and him alone just because you're married don't have this toxic marriage where you go home and you just just trash each other or trash people to each other no a marriage and we'll talk about that in more detail tonight but what this is a toxic marriage you can literally encourage each other to sin you're like well he's my he's my husband what should I do I'll give you details on that tonight but here's the thing silence says a lot silence says a lot even if you're not in a position of authority over somebody that's trying to talk to you silence says volumes instead of just getting it yeah you're right that was bad and just egging each other on look there's many people that have toxic marriages and just with their spouse they betray Matthew 18 just with their spouse and they between them and their spouse they can grow a bitter the malice tree in their own home they don't even need anybody else's help that's a terrible marriage it's talking about him and him alone and even your spouse you can tail bear to your spouse you can gossip and back bite and do all these things and look you make your spouse a sinner too and especially as a man who's in charge of his household in charge of his spouse that's a terrible thing to do as a leader so look folks if you cannot get this right you will never have long-lasting relationships this is the key here in order to have relationships that last I mean think about your relationships think about your relationships you know what are relationships well with my kids you need you think by the way I know like many people here have young children but do you think that it's just automatic that you're gonna have a great relationship with their children their entire lives that is not automatic you will have to follow this process and they will have to follow this process with you friends Church the pastor you need to clear all these lists you need to have a short list and clear it daily right away look marriages think about marriages marriages you know this is really where the let the Sun go down on your wrath you can really see this in society today because look marriages they don't they don't they don't end overnight marriages don't end in failure overnight if you know you don't suffer yourself to be defrauded if you don't confront issues in your marriage right away and not and don't let the Sun go down on those things you will build look people build lists against their own spouses people build lists against each other those lists grow that bitterness grows and this is why you see you know you'll see divorced people that are just in these bitter battles they just want to destroy the other person you say why because they both have just built up these malice trees and just like I just want to do everything to destroy him I want to do everything to destroy her because it's a malice tree because what do they do they didn't they didn't pluck the root out they let the Sun go down on their wrath they built a huge list they grew a huge tree they became a sinner themselves by tail bearing and gossiping and backbiting and fertilize that tree and pretty soon it's just like destroy each other so if you ever wonder like if you ever seen that situation I guarantee you I can ask for a raise of hands I won't everyone has seen that situation and you've asked yourself how could two people that were married for sometimes 20 years more how could two people that were married for 20 years had several children together how could they have gotten into a situation where they literally like want the other person to die there's literally no person on the planet earth that they hate more than that person that they spent 20 years of their life with it's it's because they built a map they fed and they grew a malice tree they didn't keep a short list it's very simple they followed the culture of today so yeah you know throw the Bible off don't listen to the Bible that's what you'll end up with if you listen to the way people are doing things today so look just learn to let things go that's the first thing just to recap just learn to let things go you can let it go let it go but I mean really let it go really let it go and look it might be a way that you just might have to manage some of your friendships you know like I said you maybe you just know there's some person you shouldn't borrow money to there's some person that you shouldn't borrow things to because they're not responsible with things manage your friendships that way so you can avoid these offenses but just let things go and then talk directly to the person so easy so easy but bitterness folks just remember this if you remember nothing else from this morning is bitterness is a root that grows quickly it grows quickly so clear your list the same day with your marriage with your kids with your friends with your family with your church family especially please please clear your list right away and then you know what your relationships will thrive because there's nothing and you know what there's nothing better in your life there's nothing better in your life than having friendships for years and years and years and years there's nothing better in your life it may be the most the best gift other than salvation and your children that God has given you may be a great marriage but just because you're married doesn't mean you're gonna have a great relationship you could have a great relationship with your spouse and that's a that's an incredible blessing in what in this life God has provided so many ways for us to have all these things and them to be major blessings on our lives from our friends to our spouses to our children and he tells us but those like these things don't happen on accident you have to do these things you have to get up and go talk to somebody on purpose you have to purposely execute the Bible and if you do it look if you do it folks if you listen to this sermon tonight's sermon and next week's two sermons you're gonna have great relationships in your life but you have to do it on purpose you have to execute not just here let's bow our heads and have a word of prayer