(Disclaimer: This transcript is auto-generated and may contain mistakes.)

All right, we're there in James chapter number one, and I'd like you to keep your place there in James. This is going to be our text for this morning, but if you would, go with me just real quickly to the Old Testament book of Job. Keep your place there in James, and go with me to the book of Job. If you open up your Bible just right in the center, you'll more than likely fall in the book of Psalms, and right before the book of Psalms, you have the book of Job. I'd like you to keep your place in James. I'd also like you to keep your place in Job, if you would not mind. And we've been going through a series entitled Happily Ever After, and we're learning about marriage and about having children, raising children, the Christian home. And today, I want to speak to you on the subject of conflict resolution in marriage. And of course, whenever you gather people, you're going to have the potential for conflict. Whenever you have more than one individual in a group, there is always conflict. Conflict is really inevitable, and marriage is the gathering of two. The Bible says, we've talked about it, that it's two becoming one, twain become one flesh. And of course, when you gather people together from time to time, you're going to have conflict. In marriage, there's going to be conflict, and so I want to speak to you on this subject of conflict in marriage. And if you've been with us as we've been doing this study on the subject of marriage, we've already seen a couple of examples in the Bible of couples who have fought or who fought in the Word of God. It's interesting to me that the Bible highlights for us different married couples, marriages, and it highlights their fights. If you remember, we saw Moses and Zipporah, and we saw their big fight, and they were throwing things and flinging things, and it wasn't good. We also saw, if you remember, David and Michal and their big fight. As a result of their fight, they pretty much separated after that fight. The Bible gives us other examples of fighting in marriage, and in fact, I'm going to speak to you on the subject of conflict resolution in marriage, both this morning and tonight. And in both sermons, I want to give you examples of other couples in the Bible who have fought. And the first one I'd like you to notice here in the book of Job, Job chapter number 2. If you look at verse 8, Job chapter 2 and verse 8, we see an example from Job and his wife in conflict. Job chapter 2 and verse 8, the Bible says, And he, this is referring to Job, took him a potsherd, and this is a broken piece of ceramic, to scrape himself withal. If you remember, Job is filled with boils, and he sat down among the ashes, then said his wife unto him. Now, remember the context of the book of Job, that Job has lost all ten of his children. They've all died. He's also a very wealthy man. He's lost all of his earthly wealth and possessions, and now his health, he's also lost his health. His health has gone downhill, and he's got these boils all over his body, and he's going through a very stressful time, a time of tension, a time of transition, and his wife is stressed as well. Notice in verse 9, the Bible says, Then said his wife unto him, Does thou still retain thine integrity? She says to him, Curse God, and die. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think that's necessarily what a husband wants to hear after he just lost his job, right? I mean, that's not necessarily what you want to hear after you've had some tragic thing, some big trial in your life. But here, I want you to notice that this was a husband and a wife who were going through some tension and stress, and she responds, Curse God and die, and then notice his response verse 10, But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaking. What shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? And all this did not Job sin with his lips. And I want you to just notice that God highlights for us that sometimes there's tension, sometimes there's conflict, sometimes there's fighting. We saw it with Moses and Zipporah, we saw it with David and Michael, we see it here with Job and his wife, there's tension, and as a result, there's a conflict, and she's not happy. She says, Curse God. She says, Why don't you just die already? Why don't you just roll over and die? Things would be better if you were dead. And he says, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaking. Now keep your place there in Job, if you would, and go back with me to the book of James. And what I want to do this morning is I want to speak to you on the subject of conflict resolution in marriage, and this morning, I'm going to talk to you about how to handle conflict in marriage, or how to manage conflict in marriage, because there's going to be conflict in your marriage. Whenever you gather people together, there's going to be conflict. But let me just say this, maybe you're here this morning, you say, Well, I'm not married, or I'm not, this is not something that would apply to me. The things I'm going to teach you this morning are things that apply in any sort of conflict situation, not just in marriage. Now, I'm applying them to marriage, but this will help you with conflict at work, this will help you at conflict with your mom, with your dad, with your siblings, with your neighbors, with your co-workers, with your fellow church members. You say, Why? Here's why. Because whenever you gather people, there's potential for conflict. In fact, conflict is inevitable. There's going to be issues whenever you gather people together, and God tells us how to deal with conflict, and His advice works in every area of life and in every example. We're applying it to marriage, but it works in every single area. By the way, let me just say this, what I'm going to teach you this morning is not necessarily new. I've already taught, maybe if you've been here for a while, you say, Well, I've already heard this. Well, it's good for you to hear it again, and it's good for us to be reminded again. I always remember the words of Paul when he said to the church at Philippi, he said to write the same thing to you. To me, indeed, is not grievous, but for you it is safe. So maybe you're here this morning, you say, Well, I've already heard this, and I've heard what you have to say in regards to this. Okay, well, then why are you still fighting with your wife? Why are you still getting in fights and in conflict? Maybe you need to hear it again. Maybe it needs to be something that we learn about and we're reminded about. And I want you to notice that the Bible gives us a three-step plan in regards to handling conflict. Because here's the thing, you're going to find yourself in conflict. Even if you're not the one who starts conflict, someone may come at you. They might be hostile. They might say something. Your Job was there just minding his own business, struggling and going through life with all these problems. And his wife walks up to him and says, Curse God and die. And by the way, that wasn't the only conflict. A couple of chapters later, his friends walk up to him and start railing on him and telling him that this is all his fault and these are issues he had in life. Sometimes you're going to find yourself in the midst of conflict either because of your own flesh and anger and getting into fights or people having a fight or starting a fight with you. And the Bible tells us how it is that we are to handle conflict, deal with conflict, manage conflict in our relationships and today specifically applying it to marriage. Now if you go to James chapter 1, I'd like you to notice one verse. And we're going to look at a lot of verses this morning. I want you to notice James chapter 1 and verse number 19. James 1, 19, the Bible says this, Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be, I want you to notice these words, swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. James in this verse gives us the recipe or the formula for dealing with conflict. He says, Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. And I want to highlight this for you and kind of break this down. Notice there, step number one, you say, what do I do when I find myself in conflict? What do we do when we find ourselves in marriage and we are at odds with each other? A husband and a wife are fighting and in conflict with each other. What are the steps that we should take? What are the things that we should put into practice? Step number one, and if you're writing down notes, and I would encourage you to write some of these things down on the back of your course a week, there's a place for you to write down some notes. Step number one, the Bible says we ought to be swift to hear. Swift to hear. You say, what does that mean to be swift to hear? Well, it means to take the time to listen or to be quick to hear someone out. When the Bible says here, swift to hear, it's not necessarily talking about the physical act of hearing somebody because you can't really be swift to hear as far as hearing somebody out physically. It has to do with how quickly they're speaking or whatever. The idea here is that you are quick to listen to someone, that you're quick to hear someone out. And what the Bible is teaching us is that we ought to seek to see things from the other person's perspective. Here James tells us we ought to be swift to hear. We have to be quick to hear. Now keep your place there in James again. If you kept your place in Job, I'd like you to go from Job to Proverbs. Proverbs chapter number 18. If you're in Job, you're going to go past the book of Psalms into the book of Proverbs. Proverbs chapter 18. And then just do me a favor, keep your place in Proverbs. Okay, we're going to go back and forth this morning from the book of James and the book of Proverbs. Back and forth from James and Proverbs, so I'd like you to be able to do it quickly. Proverbs chapter number 18. See we ought to be swift to hear. And here's the truth. The truth is that we naturally tend to only see things from our perspective. I mean is that true? Now here's the thing. When you consider, do I naturally only see things from my perspective, your natural answer, if you're not walking in the Spirit and you're not filled with the Holy Spirit of God and you're walking in the flesh, your natural answer, unfortunately, I can answer it for you is no. Of course not. Of course I don't only see things from my perspective. That's what everyone would say who only sees things from their perspective. But here's what you know is true. That often when you're in the midst of an argument, when you're in the midst of a conflict, when you're in the midst of a fight, that you're often frustrated because the other person isn't seeing things from your perspective. They just don't understand why you're so upset. They just don't understand why you're so bothered. They just don't understand why you can't get on board with what they're saying or what they're trying to do. Well I'm here to tell you something. They feel the exact same way about you. The Bible says we ought to be swift to hear which means that we seek, that we make an effort, that we make an endeavor to see things from the other person's perspective. You say what does that mean? Well it means a couple of things. First of all it means this. Being swift to hear means that you do not jump to conclusions or make assumptions. Being swift to hear means that you stop yourself from judging, from making a judgment call, from jumping to conclusions, from making an assumption. Go to Proverbs chapter 18 if you would. Proverbs chapter 18. Look at verse 13. Notice what the Bible says, Proverbs chapter 18 and verse 13. The Bible says, He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. The Bible says that we should not answer a matter. We should not give an answer. We should not make a judgment call. We should not make a decision about someone or something before we hear what, before we take the time to hear it, to investigate it. This is what the Bible says, we have to be swift to hear. And here's the truth when it comes to conflict. Being swift to hear means that you do not jump to conclusions. It means that you do not make assumptions. It means that you don't just decide that you know what's going on, although you haven't taken the time to hear anybody out, to look into anything, to try to see things from the other person's perspective. Being swift to hear means that we don't jump to conclusions. Now here's the motivation as to why you don't want to jump to conclusions. You're there in Proverbs 18. Go to Proverbs chapter 25, Proverbs chapter 25. Recently I had a personal conversation with someone. Somebody as usually happens in ministry, somebody had an issue with me. Could you imagine that? I'm the nicest guy around here. Somebody had an issue with me and they had all these problems, that's why they're mad at me for all these things. I was finally able to contact them and get a hold of them and sit them down and have this conversation. I said, what's going on? And he said, well, we got, and this whole list came out of like this and this and this and this and this. And I'm listening to this thing and I'm thinking to myself, none of that is true. None of that is, did you see me do X, Y, and Z? Well, we didn't hear you, but so-and-so told us, but did you see me do it? Did you hear me do it? Let's call so-and-so right now. Well, no. Well, they heard it from, and what often happens is people, they hear things and then they make all these assumptions. They fill in all the gaps and they develop these stories about what was really going on. And what happens is when you finally drag them out into the light and you say, look, I got nothing to hide. Let's call everybody. Let's call all the witnesses. Let's bring all the evidence. Then it's like, well, wait a minute, well, no, maybe I didn't have the whole story. Well, here's the thing. Don't make assumptions about people without first trying to hear their side of the story. Because the Bible says, he that answerth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly to him. It is foolishness. It is ignorance to say, well, I'm going to make a judgment call about this person because I heard from somebody who heard from somebody who heard from somebody the story, and it must be true. But you're never going to ask them about it? But you're never even going to take the time to say, hey, did you say this? Did this happen? Proverbs 25 and verse 8, notice what the Bible says, go not forth hastily to strive. The word hastily means with excessive speed. There are people like this. They're just quick to want to get into conflict. They're just quick to want to hear the most, you know, the newest gossip. The Bible says, go not forth hastily to strive. You say, why? What's wrong with it? Here's why. Lest thou know not what to do in the end thereof, when thy neighbor hath put thee to shame. You know what the Bible says? The Bible says that you want to be careful about being quick or hasty to enter into strife and conflict because you may find out. See, being swift to hear means that you do not jump to conclusions. It means that you do not make assumptions. Here's why. Because you may find out that you are wrong because you may find out that you're incorrect. And you know, here's what I've learned over the last 11 years of ministry, because as a pastor and my wife, as a pastor's wife, we often have to, because whenever you gather people together, there's conflict. And of course, oftentimes we have to sit and in judgment and decide, you know, what's going on and what's this and what's that. Here's what I've learned. A person who doesn't want to, you know what the Bible says? Here's what the Bible says. They love darkness rather than light because their deeds are evil. Whenever you've got, you know, two situations and one person's like, let's call everybody. Let's bring everybody in. Let's have an open conversation. I've got nothing to hide. Usually that's the person that's right. The person that's like, no, no, I want to be angry and upset, but I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to bring it out to light. I don't want any of the evidence to come out. Usually that's the person that's wrong. Because when we're swift to hear, when we're swift to hear, we don't jump to conclusions. We don't make assumptions. And when you jump to conclusions and when you make assumptions, you may find that you're wrong about your conclusions and about your assumptions. And thy neighbor may put you to shame. So the Bible says, look, what do I do when I find myself in conflict, when I find myself upset, when I find myself angry? Here's what you ought to do. Be swift to hear. Don't just run with things. Don't just make assumptions. Don't just decide that you know what's going on. No, no, no. Why don't you make the effort to get the other side of the story, make the effort to try to see things from the other person's perspective, make the effort. And look, in marriage, you ought to do this within your marriage. Don't just assume, well, I know why he's late again. Do you really know why he's late again? Here's what you know. He's late, but you don't know why he's late. Well, I know what she's up to again. Do you really know what she's up to again? You may know something's up, but instead of jumping to conclusions, instead of jumping to these judgments calls, why don't you be swift to hear? Why don't you just decide that I don't want to be the fool who answerth a matter before he heareth it, who doesn't even take the time to investigate, who doesn't even take the time to ask the question, hey, what's going on here? God says we ought to be swift to hear. I want you to notice, secondly, go back to James chapter 1. Keep your place there in Proverbs. Not only should we be swift to hear, what does that mean? It means that we are swift, we are quick to hear someone out. We want to hear them out. We want to hear their side of the story. They're innocent until proven guilty. We want to get all the evidence and see what they have to say. We're not going to jump to conclusions. We're not going to make assumptions because when we jump to conclusions, we make assumptions, we might find that we're wrong or incorrect. And look, here's what you need to understand about seeking to see things from another person's perspective. When you seek to put yourself in their shoes, to see things from their position, from their perspective, you may still not agree with it, but you may find that you understand it. You may still say, well, that was still the wrong thing to do and that was still not the right choice, but you may find that you can at least understand why they're making the decision they're making or why they're doing what they're doing. And look, God just says when it comes to conflict resolution, you don't hurt anyone by being swift to hear, but you can deeply hurt people by being unwilling to hear, by being unwilling to allow people to explain themselves and to just make assumptions and make judgment calls and spread those assumptions and spread those judgment calls with no evidence. James says, be swift to hear, and then he says, secondly, notice James 1 and verse 19. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be, number one, swift to hear. Then he says this, number two, slow to speak. Slow to speak. You say, what does that mean? It means to, again, it has nothing to do with the speed of your speech. He's not saying to be slow to speak. What he's saying is be slow to open your mouth. Take the time to think about what you're going to say before you say it. Take the time to consider what it is that you're going to say before you say it. Here we're told we ought to be swift to hear and we ought to be slow to speak. Here's the truth. It is better to be slow to speak than to say something you're going to regret. He says slow to speak. Go back to Proverbs chapter 10. The Bible says so much about this. I can't even give you, I'm not going to give you all the verses. I can't give you all the verses. There's so many of them, but I'll give you several of them just from Proverbs. Proverbs chapter 10 verse 19, excuse me, 19, Proverbs 10, 19. In the multitude of words, there wanteth not sin. But he that refraineth, you see that word refraineth, the word refrain means to stop oneself, to stop yourself from doing something. In the multitude of words, what does that mean? The person who's just saying a lot of things, a lot of words, blah, blah, blah, just letting it all out. In the multitude of words, there wanteth not sin. Look, you're probably going to get yourself into trouble if you talk too much. You're probably going to get yourself into trouble if you just have a multitude of words. But he that refraineth his lips is wise. The person who learns how to control their lips, the person who learns how to control what they say, go to Proverbs 17, look at verse 28. Proverbs chapter 17 and verse 28, Proverbs 17 and verse 28, notice what the Bible says. Even a fool, I love how this verse is worded. Even a fool. Look, you don't have to be that smart. Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise. That phrase, holdeth his peace, means to remain silent about something, to not say something, to not express himself. Do you know that you don't have to give your opinion about everything? We live in this social media culture where people have been fooled into thinking that I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm really not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm trying to save your marriage, and I'm trying to keep your kids from hating you, and I'm trying to help you with something. Nobody cares about your opinion. I know you think that because you've got seven billion friends that you've never actually met on Facebook, that everybody cares about what you have to say, but here's the truth, nobody cares what you have to say, nobody cares what I have to say. You say, well Pastor, you've got this YouTube channel where we preach the word of God. A lot of people care what God has to say. But people get this idea that they have to give their opinion about everything and every time. I mean, I watch it so much in church life where somebody says something, they say something about something. It could be anything. I mean, it doesn't matter what it is. You think like, oh, it's politics and religion. It could be your favorite restaurant. I mean, it could be, you know, just your favorite color and people are just like, well, let me give you five reasons why that shouldn't be your favorite color. Number one, people who like that color are stupid. Number two, you're not as smart as I am. Number three, it's not my favorite color. I mean, everybody has these ideas about all their opinions and why they have to, you know, sometimes people can give their opinion and you could not be saying, I don't really like that restaurant. I don't really like that color. I don't really think that's a good idea. But you don't have to open your mouth and say it. Sometimes you just can just nod and say, but we live in this society where people think I have to give my opinion about everything, I have to correct everything, I have to make sure everybody knows I'm the smartest person and they're wrong about everything. And here's all I'm saying is you might find out you're wrong. Because even a fool when he holdeth his peace is counted wise. And he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding. Someone said this, it is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool than to talk and remove all doubt. We need to be careful about how much we say. We need to be careful about how much we speak. Go to Proverbs 29. Proverbs 29, look at verse 20. Proverbs 29 and verse 20. Proverbs 29 and verse 20, the Bible says, Seeest thou a man that is hasty? See the word hasty? It means to be fast or quick. Hasty, notice, in his words. Now James says you ought to be swift. You ought to be hasty to hear. We've all heard the saying, God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. He expects you to do twice as much listening as you do speaking. He says be swift. If you're going to be swift to something, if you're going to be hasty to something, if you're going to be quick to something, be swift to hear. But the Bible says that seeest thou a man hasty in his words? There is more hope of a fool than of him. We ought to be swift to hear and slow to speak, not swift to speak, not hasty in our words. Silence may be misunderstood, but it is never misquoted. Once the words come out of your mouth, it's more difficult. Oftentimes as a pastor, I'm dealing in situations and helping people in the midst of conflict, and so oftentimes I think to myself, and sometimes I even say it out loud, why did you say that? What was the point of saying that? But here's the problem is we're quick with our tongue, we're fast with our words. God says be swift to hear, swift to hear, be slow to speak. See, before you speak, you ought to think and consider, what is the real reason that I'm so upset? Go back to James chapter 4. James chapter 4. James chapter 4. We were in James 1, but I'd like you to go to James 4. See, we often, here's what happens, we get upset, right? You get that feeling, your heart starts pounding, you start getting frustrated and angry, and then our mouths just destroys everything. God says, hey, why don't you be swift to hear? Then he says be slow to speak. It's better to be slow to speak than to say something in anger that you will regret. And while you're being slow to speak, you ought to think about and consider, what is the real reason that I'm so upset right now? What is the real problem? What is actually going on here? Now, I love the book of James. James might be my favorite book in the New Testament, because he gives us just so much insight into humanity and relationship, it's amazing. I preach a lot out of James and some of these things I'm preaching this morning. You've heard it before, but you need it again. So we're going to learn it and learn it and relearn it. In James 1, James teaches us about conflict resolution, handling and managing conflict. Be swift to hear, be slow to speak, be slow to react. In James chapter 4, James gives us the reason why we fight, the reason why you get so upset, the reason why you lose your temper and get so angry. James chapter 4, look at verse 1, notice what he says. He says, from whence. You see that word whence, that's an older word, we don't use it a lot today. The word whence means from what place or what source. James says, from whence, from what source, from what place come, notice, it seems like he's using, he's exaggerating here. Some people believe it's hyperbole, I don't know that it necessarily is hyperbole, but it seems very extreme. He says, because it's James, a pastor, writing to a congregation of believers, and he says to them, he says, from whence, from what source, from what place, come wars and fightings among you. He says, where does war come from? Where does fighting come from? Where does conflict come from? And James is going to answer us that all wars, no matter, all anger, all conflict, all fighting, no matter how, where on the spectrum of seriousness of life, it all comes from the same source. You say, what do you mean? Here's what I mean. It does not matter if you are in the playroom before or after a church service at Mary Baptist Church, and you are watching two toddlers fight about something. It doesn't matter if you're sitting in a divorce court, watching a husband and a wife who have been married for years and years and years, fighting about something. It doesn't matter if you're watching a world leader on a national stage invade a different country and go to war with another country about something. It doesn't matter. James says, all of it all comes from the same source. No matter where on the spectrum of seriousness or importance, it all comes from the same place. Notice verse 1, from whence come wars and fightings among you. He says, come they not hence. See this word, hence? Come they not hence. The word hence means because of this reason. He says, don't they come because he says, from what source come wars and fightings among you? Don't they come because of this reason? James says, even your lusts. See the word lusts there? Usually when we think of the word lust, we think of the physical attraction between a man and a woman. But the word lust simply means desire or want. Something you want. James says, doesn't all, he says, isn't it true that all wars and fightings and conflict, that it all comes from your lusts? Notice that war in your members. Where do wars come from? They come from individuals and their hearts. Where does this wars come from? It comes from individuals and their hearts. Where do little toddlers fighting, where does that come from? It comes from their lusts in their hearts, their desires in their hearts, their wants in their hearts, that war in your members, that war in your body parts, that war inside of you. Notice verse 2. Notice what James says. He says, ye lust. He says, you want something. You desire something. There's something you want. Ye lust and have not. He says, here's the problem. You want something, but you don't have what you want. You lust and have not. You desire something. You want something, but you don't have what you want. He says, ye kill and desire to have. He says, you lust after something. You want it. And what's the problem? Cannot obtain. He said, here's the problem. You want, because he's asking the question, from whence come wars and fightings among me, you come in on hence even of your lusts, I warn your members. He says, the problem is this. You want something you're not getting. Or the reverse might be, you're getting something you don't want. But that's it. Ye lust and have not. Ye kill and desire to have and cannot obtain. Ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not. And no matter where you land on that spectrum of importance in regards to conflict, you can take two little toddlers fighting over a toy and say, I know what the problem is here. I know what the, you know what the problem is? You know what the problem is, little three-year-old? Here's the problem. You're not getting what you want. And they would say, that's right, I want that doll. You could sit down a husband and a wife getting ready to end a 10-year, 15-year, 20-year, 30-year marriage and say, you know what the problem is? I know what the problem is. You're not getting what you want. You could sit down a world leader at war and say, I know why you went to war, because you're not getting what you want. Or you're getting something you don't want. Because that's it. That's the only reason we fight. That's the only reason we enter into arguments. That's the only reason we get into conflict, because we're not getting what we want or we're getting something we don't want. It's all about our lust, warring in our memory. So if you find yourself in conflict, you find yourself in an argument, you find yourself upset, God says, be swift to hear. He says, be slow to speak. He says, slow your speech long enough to consider what's really going on here. What am I actually upset about? Because a husband or wife will come into my office and they'll say, well, I'm upset because she did x, y, and z. And she'll say, he did x, y, and z. And I'll say, well, why does that bother you? Why does it bother you that they say? And well, it just makes me upset. Why does it make me upset? When she says it makes me upset, but why? And when you peel it back, when you peel it back, you'll often find, going back to our love and reverence sermon, well, I'm not getting the respect that I want. So you're upset because you're not getting what you want? Yeah, I guess so. Why does it bother you, man? Why does it bother you so much that he works 14-hour days and never has dinner at home? Why does that bother? Well, it bothers me because I made dinner and then he didn't have it, I wasted it. But that's not the real reason. I mean, what's the real reason? The real reason is that it makes you feel unappreciated or like you're not important or like you're playing second fiddle. And the real reason that you're upset is because you're not getting what you want. And here's the point. Whether the real reason is a valid reason or not, you say, well, that's a valid reason. He should spend time with me. That's a valid reason. She should reverence me. That's a valid reason they should not do that or whatever. It doesn't matter if it's a valid reason or not. Here's what I'm telling you. Before you open your mouth, why don't you figure out what the actual reason is? Because often times I find myself refereeing these arguments and I think to myself, I don't think we're arguing about the same thing here. You say you're upset about this and you say you're not happy about that, but I don't think you really care about this and I don't really think you care about that and I don't think you've ever even taken the time to really consider what's actually in your heart. So all I'm saying is before you enter into conflict, why don't you take the time to hear and to think before you speak? And ask yourself, what am I actually upset about? What's the real problem here? What's actually bothering me? Or you should ask this question. What am I not getting that I want? Or what am I getting that I don't want? I've taught this for years and I hope that some of you actually take it into practice. I don't know that any of you actually would or will. I know some, I guess I should say, I know some have. But you know what would be great? Here's what would be great. If you and your wife are just in the middle of a fight, I mean just angry, yelling, cussing, I mean foreskins are being flung, all of that. If you haven't been here for the sermon series, that won't make sense to you. You're throwing things, you're saying things, you're taking your ring off and hitting it with a hammer. You say, pastor, you're saying that because I did that. Everybody does that, it's stupid, okay? You're angry, upset, you're packing your bags, you're gonna go live with your mom, all those things. You know, it'd be nice if one of you stopped and said, you know what the problem is? You know what's going on here? I know exactly what the problem is. I'm not getting what I want. You're not getting what you want because that's the only reason we ever fight. So James says, when you find yourself in the midst of conflict, you gotta be swift to hear. What does that mean? It means that you do not jump to conclusions. It means that you do not make assumptions. The funny thing is, I've preached these things for years and years and years, and I just preached them because they're in the Bible, and I just kind of thought to myself, like, whoa, this is what the Bible says, I mean, it's kind of self-explanatory. I mean, I think everybody should know this. And then you actually deal with actual grown adults, and you're like, whoa, you actually don't. You're actually going to judge me for something you heard somebody say that they heard somebody say that they heard somebody say, and you're never gonna talk to me about it. And you're actually, wow, like, I didn't know there was actual human beings like this. You're an idiot. I don't like that word. Okay, here's a biblical word. You're a fool! Be swift to hear. Be slow to speak. Before you speak, you gotta think and consider what is the real reason that you're so upset about, because then you can get to work on the real problem, the actual thing that's bothering you. And I want you to notice, thirdly this morning, go to James chapter one. He says, what for my beloved brother? Let every man be swift to hear, be slow to speak, and he says, slow to rap. Said, you gotta be slow to rap. What does that mean? Here's what it means. It means you ought to endeavor not to get angry, you ought to endeavor not to get angry. You say, pastor, I cannot do that. I've already passed that. I'm already angry. Okay, well, you ought to endeavor not to get angry, and if you get angry, you ought to endeavor not to sin while you are angry, and once you are angry, you ought to endeavor not to stay angry. Let's look at it. Notice James 1 20, well, verse 19. What for my beloved brethren? Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to rap. Why do I wanna be slow to rap? Here's why. Here's why you want to endeavor not to get angry. Here's why it's better to not get angry. Here's why. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. Nothing good comes out of anger. So, but isn't it possible to be angry and sin not? Yes, it is, but let's be honest. 99.9% of the time that you get angry, that's not the case. 99.9% of your anger is not righteous indignation over some injustice. No, no, no, no, no. It's your flesh. It's your sin. So, you know, it's best to just endeavor not to get angry because the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. Nothing gets better. Nothing gets fixed. Nothing gets resolved when we're angry. In fact, usually, usually we have to wait till we get past the anger. We have to make all these apologies for the anger. We have to try to resolve all these things before we can actually get to the real problem of why we were angry to begin with. The righteousness, the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. Go to Proverbs. Go back to Proverbs. You kept your place there, Proverbs 17. Go to Proverbs 17. See, here's a problem with anger. The problem with anger is that oftentimes when we get angry, we lose control. The problem with anger is that we lose control of our anger. Proverbs 17 and verse 14, I love this verse when it comes to this idea of anger. He says, the beginning of strife is as when one letteth out water. He says, therefore, leave off contention before it be meddled with. He says, look, strife or anger, conflict, fighting, it's like when you let, it's like when you spill water. It's like if you had a cup of water, it's full of water, and you just poured it out, spilled it out. Well, once it's out, it's not coming back. Once it's out, you don't have any control over it. You can't be like, oh, I spilled my drink. Oh, let me just scoop it all back in, it's all in. No, once liquid and water is out, it's gone, it's done. And he says, that's what your anger's like. Once it's gone, once it's out, it's out of control. Once it's spilled out, it's just everywhere. He says, the beginning of strife is as when one letteth out water, he says, for that reason, therefore leave off contention. What does that mean? It means this, endeavor not to get angry. Endeavor not to get angry, go to Ephesians chapter four. Keep your place in Proverbs, go to Ephesians chapter four. In the New Testament, you have Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Romans, 1 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Ephesians chapter four. We have to be slow to wrath, what does that mean? We have to endeavor not to get angry. But here's the second thought, is that we have to endeavor not to sin when you are angry. See, you may be angry, and you may even be justified in your anger, but when you slow down, when you take the time to hear someone else out, and hear their side of the story, and get their perspective, and try to see things, and you might still not agree, but you can understand where they're coming from, and you try to see it from their perspective, and when you take time to really think in your heart, in your mind, what am I actually upset about, what am I not getting that I want, what am I getting that I don't want, and let me try to communicate this, let me be slow to speak, then you might end up still being angry, but when you're slow to wrath, you can take control of that thing. And this is where you can get to the point where you're angry and you don't sin. Ephesians 4, 26, be angry and sin not. So we have to endeavor not to get angry, we have to endeavor not to sin when we are angry, and then we have to endeavor not to stay angry. Ephesians 4, 26, look at it again, be angry and sin not, then the Bible says this, let not the sun go down upon your wrath. And think about that. The Bible says the sun should not go down upon your wrath. Meaning, this whole thing of husbands and wives where they're mad at each other for like six weeks, giving each other the cold shoulder for like two months or some crazy thing, hey, you say there's conflict in marriage, we get angry, we get upset, okay, well resolve it before the sun goes down. The idea is don't let it spill into the next day. Don't wake up the next day, you know, you wake up and you look over, you're like, oh yeah, I'm still angry at him, still upset. No, no, let not the sun go down upon your wrath. We just had daylight savings, the sun stays out longer, that means you get to fight for longer. But resolve that thing before you go to bed. Be angry and sin not, let not the sun go down upon your wrath. I used to have a youth pastor who would say, get glad in the same shoes you got mad in. You gotta make things right. You say, well, I get angry. Well, endeavor not to get angry. Well, I can't help it. Well, endeavor not to sin when you are angry. Well, I'm already upset. Well, endeavor not to stay angry. You gotta be slow to wrath. Slow to wrath. The Bible says, he that hath no rule or his own spirit is like a city that is broken down and without walls. You gotta learn to control yourself. You gotta learn to control your tongue. You gotta learn to control your emotions. Go back with me to the book of Job, if you would. Remember when we started Job, Job chapter two? If you kept your place in Proverbs, if you go backwards, you have the book of Psalms and the book of Job, Job chapter two. God teaches us we ought to be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. You should commit that to memory. You should either memorize that verse or just memorize those words. I love how God alliterates it for us. Swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Write it on your hand. Put it on a three by five card. You get home and you're like, I'm about to start a fight with my wife. Swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. What was I supposed to do? Swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Put it on every wall in your house. Do whatever you gotta do. Swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. This is how we have to handle conflict. Because look, we're going to have conflict in marriage. You're going to have conflict. Whenever you gather people together, you're gonna have conflict. But you gotta be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Remember our friend Job? I believe, now when we look at these couples who fight, Moses, Zipporah, David, and Michal, both sides were wrong. Tonight we're gonna look at a different couple who fought, and both sides are wrong there too. But this is the exception where I actually do not believe Job did anything wrong here. In fact, I believe that Job did everything he was supposed to do. The reason that I know that I believe that Job didn't do anything wrong is because if you look at the last part of verse number 10, Job chapter two and verse 10, it's interesting to me that the Bible says, in all this did not Job sin with his lips. Now, usually when we look at Job, and when we think of Job, we're thinking about Job's relationship to God, the fact that he did not curse God or charge God foolishly. And I believe that is the application here. But what's interesting is that that phrase is in the context of this argument that he had with his wife. His wife said, curse God and die. He responds to her, and then God tells us that Job did not sin with his lips. So what did Job do? Well, I think that maybe, if you look at Job two and verse eight, the Bible says, and he took him a potsherd to scrape himself withal, and he sat down among the ashes. Remember, Job has lost his 10 children. Job has lost his earthly wealth. Job has now lost his health. His wife shows up, has helped me, the one who's supposed to be his cheerleader, the one that's supposed to encourage him. And she says to him, the Bible says, then said his wife unto him, does thou still retain thine integrity? Curse God and die. I believe that Job was actually very swift to hear here. I think that Job took the time to see things from her perspective. Because, you know, it's very easy to judge Job's wife. It's very easy to look at this passage, and it's not a good passage. I'd hate to be, you know, the one thing I said in the Bible is when I told my husband to curse God and die. I was kicking him when he was down. It's not a good passage. But keep in mind, she just lost her 10 children too. I mean, imagine giving birth to 10 children, raising them, and now they're gone. She's lost her home, she's lost her possessions, she's lost her wealth. I think that Job was actually very swift to hear, swift to see things from her perspective, swift to consider that his wife is saying these words to him, curse God and die. And though he doesn't agree, it's clear that he doesn't agree. He understands where it's coming from because he's seeing things from her perspective. I think Job was swift to hear. I also think that Job was slow to speak. Because I want you to notice what he says in verse 10. But he, Job, said unto her, notice what he says. He says, thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. Now you might look at that and think that that's an insult, but I want you to notice, he didn't call her a fool. He didn't say, you foolish woman. In fact, he said, you're speaking like a foolish woman. And what he's saying is, I know this is not your normal character. I know this is not how you normally speak. You're normally a virtuous woman, I think Job was trying to say. But right now, the way you just said, that's not how you normally speak, that's not how you normally think. In fact, you're speaking as a foolish woman. He doesn't say she's a foolish woman, but he says, you're speaking like a foolish woman. And then I want you to notice that he actually does what a husband is supposed to do, and he instructs his wife in regards to how to handle this. He gives us one of the most famous phrases in the book of Job. One of the most encouraging phrases in the entire book of Job was Job ministering to his wife, number one, and Job ministering to his wife after she had just told him to curse God and die. What did he say? He says, thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. He says, this is not in your character. This is not how you normally speak. You're speaking like someone that's not you. And then he instructs her, what? Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? He's looking at a woman who just lost her 10 children, looking at a woman who just lost her home and her possessions and everything they've worked for, looking at a woman who's very discouraged and very depressed and is lashing out in anger at her husband as a result. And he says, look, honey, when the Lord was blessing us, we received it gladly. Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? And then the Bible says, in all this did not Job sin with his lips. See, not only was he swift to hear, not only was he slow to speak, and when he spoke, you said what he said was disagreeing. He spoke the truth in love. But he was also slow to wrath because the Bible tells us that in all this did not Job sin with his lips. And you know, the interesting thing about Job and his wife that we do not see with Moses and Zipporah, that we do not see with David and Michal, that we do not see with the couple that we'll see tonight, is that they got over it, and they live happily ever after. Go to Job 42, let me show you. We'll finish up right here. Here you had a situation where she's being very angry and mean and disrespectful and kicking him when he's deaf, and don't you think Job would have been justified to say, who are you speaking to like that? Don't talk to me like that. I want a divorce. I can't believe, when I need some encouragement, this is when you're gonna speak to me. Job said, you're not speaking like you normally speak. I know this is not in your character. I know this is not your norm. The truth is, honey, that we have received much blessings from God, and now we're not, and we should still receive it well. He taught her and he instructed her. He did not give up on her. He was swift to hear and slow to speak. He did not sin. He was slow to wrath, and the Bible tells us, at the end of this book, Job 42, in verse 12, so the Lord blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning, for he had 14,000 sheep and 6,000 camels and 1,000 yoke of oxen and 1,000 sheaths. He also had seven sons and three daughters, so Job died being old and full of days. They went on to have 10 more children. I think they got over it. Think they lived happily ever after. So if you want to live happily ever after, in the midst of conflict, you ought to be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Now I want to encourage you to come back tonight, because tonight, this morning we talked about how to handle or manage conflict. Tonight, I'm going to teach you something even better. Something even better than handling conflict and managing conflict is avoiding conflict altogether. And tonight, we're going to look at another couple, and we're going to look at some biblical principles in regards to not how to handle conflicts, but how to avoid it altogether. Let's bow our heads and have a word of prayer. Heavenly Father, Lord, we thank you for these passages of scripture. And Lord, I pray you'd help these marriages because this really works in any relationship. Help us to learn and to memorize these words. Help us to be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Help us learn to manage conflict well. Help us not to listen to gossip and to just assume that we know what we're talking about when we have no clue what we're talking about. Help us not to make assumptions and make judgment calls without hearing the full story. Help us to be swift to hear other people out, slow to open our mouths. Lord, I pray that you'd help us to under control our anger. In the matchless name of Christ, we pray, amen.