(Disclaimer: This transcript is auto-generated and may contain mistakes.)

Amen. All right, we're there in Esther chapter number one, and like I said in the announcements, we are continuing through our series on the subject of a faithful family. And when we started this series, we spent the first three weeks just kind of focused on children. We talked about breaking generational curses, establishing generational blessings, talked about how to raise them right, how to discipline them. We're now shifted into spending the last three weeks, including this week, on the subject of marriage. And we talked about how to have a good marriage, or principles for a good marriage. And we talked about, last week we talked about what wives really want. And today we're going to finish that idea on the other side with what husbands really want. So if you're here this morning and you weren't here last week, and it kind of sounds like the sermon is a little one-sided, it's because we dealt with the other side last week. Last week we talked about the fact, and we saw it through Scripture, and we found a story in the Bible that kind of highlighted it for us, the desire that wives really have. And it simply comes down to one word, love. But the problem is not the word love, we all understand that, but how a wife perceives love. And we learn from the Bible that they are looking for sacrificial and selfless love. When they can perceive that their husbands are willing to sacrifice, like the Lord Jesus Christ, willing to lay down their own lives for their wife, and when they're willing to be selfless and to love them as themselves, and to love them as their own flesh, then a wife can really identify and perceive, and that's what she desires. Now that's not her only need, we also saw that she needs to be honored, but her primary language, the thing that she is looking for and to respond for, is that selfless and sacrificial love. Now we kind of left it there last week, now we're going to transition into what a husband really wants, because whether you, whether our society and our culture wants to understand this or not, men and women are different, and they're not the same. And I know we want to today, we live in a culture that wants to blend the sexes, and wants to basically, you know, make men and women be the same thing, but that is not the case. So the question, we'll start with the question that we started with last week. Last week we started with the question of, well what do wives really want? And I told the men, this is the question that has haunted men for generations, they can't figure out what their wives want. We'll begin this morning with asking the wives, well what does your husband really want? I don't think that wives are as hard-headed as men and can't really figure it out. Honestly, I think the problem with some wives, they just don't really care what a husband really wants. But you know, the Bible explains this to us, and in the story, in Esther chapter number one, it's almost comical how much, you know, we can see it in the story that men desire, men have a need for something, and we find it in this story. Let's look at the story real quickly, Esther chapter number one, and we're gonna leave Esther in a little bit, but we're gonna come back to it. Esther chapter one is gonna be our text for this morning, so make sure you have a ribbon or a bookmark or something there. Esther chapter one, look at verse one, notice what the Bible says, now it came to pass in those days that Ahasuerus, now Ahasuerus was one of the leaders of an empire, he's a character in history, and here we're told about that, it says, this is Ahasuerus, which reigned from India even unto Ethiopia, very successful empire, very big empire, very big conquest that he had. Over 170 and, I'm sorry, 107 and 20 provinces, that in those days, when the King Ahasuerus sat on the throne of his kingdom, which was in Shushan, the palace, in the third year of his reign, notice what the Bible says, he made a feast unto all the princes and his servants, the power of Persia and Media, the nobles and princes of the provinces, the provinces being before him, he said, what was the point of this feast? What was the point of this party that King Ahasuerus threw for himself? Look at verse four, when he showed the riches of his glorious kingdom and the honor of his excellent majesty, and I want you to notice there that whether it's right or wrong or whether it can be taken to the wrong extreme, men have an innate need and desire to be reverenced. Men want to be admired. That's what it comes down to, and that can go to a level that is unhealthy. They can go to a level that is sinful, but here you have this king. He's ruling the known world. He's the most powerful man on earth at this time, but yet that's not enough. He wants to throw himself this feast, throw himself this party, and what is the stated purpose? That he might show the riches of his glorious kingdom and the honor of his excellent majesty many days, even in a hundred and four score days. Now that's a long party, a party to show off and to show how powerful he is, to be honored, to be reverenced, to be revered. Look at verse five, and when these days were expired, the king made a feast unto all the people that were present in Shushan, the palace. So after the first feast, he throws another feast, both on the great and small, seven days in the court of the garden of the king's palace. Now let's just skip a few verses for sake of time. Look down at verse number nine. Notice what his wife is doing. Also Vashti, the queen, made a feast for the women. So you have in the royal house, which belongeth to King Ahasuerus. So you have the king throwing a big party to honor himself, and then you've got the queen also entertaining, also throwing a party for the women at a different location. Look at verse 10. And on the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he, we're talking about King Ahasuerus, commanded Mehuman, Bizthah, Harbonah, Bichthah, and Abbakthah, Zithar, and Carcass, the seven chamberlains that served in the presence of Ahasuerus the king, notice verse 11, to bring Vashti, the queen, before the king, with the crown royal. You say, what was the point of bringing her? Why is he bringing her at this point? To show the people and the princes her beauty, for she was fair to look on. So, you know, we don't really know what's going on here as to what his intentions are, or what the plan was. We don't know if this is something wicked and evil, or if this is something that's not that bad, and he just wants to, you know, he has a trophy wife, and he wants to show her off, and show everybody how beautiful his wife is. Look at verse 12. But the queen Vashti refused to come at the king's commandment by his chamberlains. Therefore it was the king very wrought, and his anger burned in him. Now, I want you to notice that the story highlights for us the inherent or innate need that men look for. Men want to be honored. Men want to be reverent. Men want to be admired. This is why we talked about last week, little girls will play house, and they'll dream about getting married, and they'll play that they're married or a wife, but yet boys, what do they'll play? That they're soldiers, and they'll play that they're winning battles, and they'll play that they're, you know, in a spaceship, and conquering new lands, right, and doing these things. Why? Because there's something in men that wants to accomplish. There's something in men that wants to win, that wants to conquer, that wants to be victorious, and that wants to be admired. That's one of the reasons that men are by and large, and I'm not saying this is a good thing, I'm just stating a fact, by and large it is men who are interested in sports. Why? Because it gives them an opportunity to win. It gives them an opportunity to conquer, and to have people look at them and say, hey, yeah, you won. And look, you see it in professional sports, you can see it down to church picnics. I heard a pastor tell the story about how he was at a church picnic of their church, and there was a man, I forget what he said, I think he said his name was Brother B, or Mr. B. There was a man, Mr. B, and they were playing softball, and Mr. B hit the ball, and it went real far, and he began to take off, and he took off, and he's running real hard, and he just ran right through first base, and circled around, and he was running towards second, and the ball was being thrown towards second, and he slid into second base, was called safe, he stood up, he dust himself off, he looked around, and this is what he said, he said, ah, phooey, Mrs. B wasn't watching. You know, and he was there, and he was trying hard, why? Because he wanted to impress his wife. Why? Because men have this innate feeling in them, they want to be their spouses, their wives, hero. Look at verse number 13. Then the king said to the wise men, which knew the times, for so was the king's manner toward all the, all that knew law and judgment. And the next one to him was Karshina, Shethar, Admuthar, Tersha, Meres, Mercina, and Mumekin, the seven princes of Persia and Media, which saw the king's face, and which sat first in the kingdom. Notice verse 15. What shall we do unto the queen Vashti according to the law? Because she had not performed the commandment of the king Ahasuerus by the chamberlains, and Mumekin answered before the king and the princes, Vashti the queen. Notice these guys, they're getting a little scared. They say, Vashti the queen has not done wrong to the king only. So all these men are saying, wow king, you got done wrong. She did you wrong. She not only disobeyed you, she embarrassed you in front of all your friends and all your guests. You got a whole party here. The whole purpose is to show how powerful you are, and you can't even get your wife to show up. But they said, hey, she has not done wrong to the king only, but also to all the princes and to all the people that are in the providence of the king Ahasuerus. Notice verse 17. For this deed of the queen shall come abroad unto all women. They said other women are going to hear about this. So that they shall despise their husband in their eyes when it shall be reported. The king Ahasuerus commanded Vashti the queen to be brought in before, but she came not. Likewise shall the ladies of Persia and Media say this day unto all the king's princes which have heard of the deed of the queen. Thus shall there arise too much contempt and wrath. These guys are saying, you know, all the women are going to hear about this, and they're all going to begin to disrespect their husbands. They're all going to begin to disobey their husbands. Look at verse 19. If it pleased the king, let there go a royal commandment from him, and let it be written among the laws of the Persians and the Medes that it be not altered that Vashti come no more before king Ahasuerus, and let the king give her royal estate unto another. Now, that was the wrong decision to make, okay? He, you know what he decided? He decided what 60% of marriages in America today decide when they're having marital problems, that it's better to just get divorced. It's better to just start over with somebody else. Let their king give a royal estate unto another, but listen to me very carefully, and I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. The problem with divorce and remarriage, the problem is divorce and remarriage. It's not that you got rid of your spouse, but it's that you can't get rid of you. See, you goes with you into the next marriage. You goes with you into the next relationship, and whether you want to admit it or not, it takes two to tangle, and if there's a problem in your marriage, if there's a problem in your marriage, part of that problem, you have to take responsibility for part of that problem. Now, it may be 90% of the problem is his problem, and 10% of the problem is her problem, or it may be that 90% of the problem is her problem, and 10% of the problem is his problem, but it's never this, 100% on one side. And here you have this situation where they're just like, well, let's just start over with somebody else. Let's just put her away. Let's just get a divorce, and here's the thing. Divorce is not the answer, and by the way, that's why people who are divorced or remarried are more likely to get divorced, and the more times you get divorced, the more likely you are to get divorced. Look at verse 20. And when the king's decree, which he shall make, shall be published throughout all the empire, for it is great, all the wives shall give to their husbands. Notice, this is a group of men talking about how do we deal with the problem of actually the queen who's disrespectful and disobedient and who has sustained the king. They said, what do we do? And notice, the Bible is highlighting for us here the innate need and desire of men. They said, all the wife. They said, when they hear that she lost her job, that she lost her throat, that she was replaced, notice their desire is that all the wives shall give to their husbands' love. Is that what it says? Now, if this was written by a woman, that's what it would say. But notice, these are men speaking. And they said, we don't need. Here's what the king has here. He said, I don't need my wife to make me feel loved. I want her to make me feel honored. All the wives shall give to their husband honor, both to great and to small. Now, keep your place there, Esther. We're going to come back to it. Go to the book of Ephesians, Ephesians chapter number five. In your New Testament, you got Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Romans, 1st, 2nd Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians. There is an innate need. There is a desire in men to want to be honored, reverenced, respected, praised, admired. It's just the way it is. Men have this feeling in them. They want that, and they specifically want it from their wives. And you say, I've never heard that before. I read Dr. Phil's book, and I read Oprah's book, and they never mentioned that. But look, here's the thing. God is the one who instituted marriage. And God is the one who created men and women. And I want you to notice what God says in Ephesians chapter five and verse number 33. Now, we talked about this last week. Ephesians five is the textbook passage on marriage. It's the, if you want to learn about marriage, this is the, I mean, there's many passages throughout scripture. Ephesians five is the number one, the number one passage. And we're going to come back to Ephesians five also. So please keep your place there also. You should have your place in Esther, and you should have your place in Ephesians. Ephesians five goes through an explanation of what husbands should do and what wives should do. But in verse number 33, there is the conclusion, bringing it all together. And I want you to notice what God says in Ephesians five, 33. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife, even as himself. We talked about that last week. The language that wives respond to is love. Selfless, sacrificial love. But notice the difference between a man and a woman. Because then God says this, and the wife see that she reverence her husband. See, when God is sitting in the counselor seat, when God is giving premarital counseling or marital counseling, when God is giving advice to a marriage and saying, look, you want to have a good marriage, you want to have a happy marriage, you want to have a fulfilled marriage, you want to have a wife that is satisfied, man, that is happy, you want to have a husband that is satisfied and content wife. Here's what it comes down to. Nevertheless, let everyone in particular so love his wife, even as himself. And then he looks at the woman and says, and the wife see that she reverence, that she respect, that she honor her husband. Now again, and I said this last week, go to the book of Titus. Keep your place in Ephesians five. You should have your place in Esther and Ephesians. Go to Titus chapter number two. Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1st Thessalonians, 1st Timothy, Titus. Titus chapter number two. Let me say this. A wife's primary need is to perceive sacrificial and selfless love. That's not to say that she's not to be respected. We saw that last week, that we were told in 1st Peter that men are to honor their wives as a weaker vessel. So it doesn't mean they shouldn't be honored and respected, but their primary need is love. Same with men. Men's primary need is that they be reverence, that they be respected, that they be honored. But that's not to say that they don't need love. Both husbands and wives need love and respect, love and honor, love and reverence. But God puts the emphasis on one and the emphasis on the other. Why? Because men respond differently than women. But I want you to notice, that's not to say, I just got to reverence my husband and not love him. No, the Bible says that you ought to love your husband as well. Titus chapter two. Look at verse four. Notice what the Bible says. Titus chapter two, verse four. The Bible says this, that they, the context is talking about the aged women, the older women, that they may teach the young women to be sober, notice, to love their husbands, to love their children. So we're not saying wives need not love their husbands. And we're not saying husbands need not honor their wives, because the Bible tells us in two different passages that they are to do that. But the primary emphasis is placed on husbands. Make sure your wife perceives. Make sure your wife feels. Make sure your wife is seeing selfless, sacrificial love. And wives, make sure your husband perceives. Make sure your husband feels honor, reverence. Why? Because that is what they will respond to. That is what they are desiring. Now go back to Esther. Esther chapter one. We got to answer the question, right? So you say, well, okay, I get that. Let's get practical. What is it? Because a wife, here's what a wife would say, well, I don't understand why he feels so disrespected. I don't understand why he feels. So here's the question. What is it that a guy perceives as respect? Or better said, what is it that a husband perceives as disrespect? See, wives, how is it that you demonstrate disrespect? How is it that you demonstrate? What is it that you do that causes a man to feel like I'm being disrespected, like I'm being not honored, like I'm being not reverent? Well, let's look at our story, Esther chapter one, look at verse 17. Notice what the Bible says. Esther 1, 17. For this deed, for this deed of the queen shall come abroad unto all women so that they shall, I want you to notice this word, despise. See the word despise there? So that they shall despise their husbands in their eyes. When it shall be reported that, reported, the king that has heirs commanded vastly the queen to be brought in before him, but she came not. Likewise, shall the ladies of Persia and Media say this day unto the king's princess, which have heard of the deed of the queen, thus shall there arise too much, notice these words, contempt and wrath. You say, what in the world are they talking about? They're saying, well, all the women are going to begin to despise their husband. There's going to arise too much contempt and too much wrath. You say, what is that talking about? Go to Proverbs, keep your place in Esther, go to Proverbs. If you open your Bible just right in the center, you're more than likely following the book of Psalms. Right after Psalms, you got the book of Proverbs. Proverbs chapter number 21. And let me say this while you turn there. Disrespect is demonstrated by disdain. When wives disdain, despise, have contempt, have wrath against their husbands, their husbands are not going to feel respected. Proverbs 21, look at verse nine. Notice what the Bible says. Proverbs 21, nine. And look, I realize people don't like this type of preaching or they think, oh, this is crazy. This is what the Bible says. Proverbs 21, nine. Are you there? Proverbs 21, verse nine. It is better to dwell in the corner of a housetop than with a brawling woman in a white house. It is better to dwell in the corner of a housetop than with a brawling woman than with a contemptuous woman than with a disdainful woman than with a wrathful woman in a white house. Look at verse 19. Proverbs 21, 19. Proverbs 21, 19. Proverbs 21, 19. The Bible says this. It is better to dwell in the wilderness. It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman. And see, women will complain. They'll say, I don't understand. You know, my husband gets home from work and he, you know, takes his shoes off and then he goes up in his room and he locks the door or he goes in the garage and he locks the door or he goes in the backyard and he locks the door and he never wants to talk to me, never wants to spend time with me. Why is that? Here's why it is. Because it's better to dwell in the corner of a housetop. Because it's better to dwell in the corner of a housetop than with a brawling woman in a white house. My husband's always trying to go out of town. Any opportunity at work to leave town, he's always trying to go camping. He's always trying to go this. He's always trying to do what? Why is that? Because it's better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman. I'm not telling you that's right. I'm just telling you that's how it is. That's how men feel. And look, women today have this idea, well if I just criticize enough, if I just complain enough, if I just nag enough, I can make him become the man I want him to be. But listen to me, you're doing the exact opposite. When you come to your husband with disdain, you say, but I love him so much and I see so much potential and I just think if I could just nag that out of him. It doesn't work. When a man feels disrespected, you know what they do? They shut down. They go in a corner, they go in the wilderness, they go work on a car, they go on a trip, they get a divorce, they shut down. And here's what women say, then the husband shuts down and then she feels not loved, which in turn gets her to respond with more disrespect. He feels disrespected, which in turn gets him to respond with less love. And you know what? You say, what does this end? It ends in one word, divorce. It ends in this crazy cycle. And look, at some point, somebody's got to get off the crazy merry-go-round and say, well, you know what? I'm just going to love whether I get the respect or I'm just going to respect whether I get the love. And eventually, eventually, when you give them enough of what they want, they will begin to respond in the way that you want. Let's look at an example of this. Go to 2 Samuel chapter number 6. 2 Samuel chapter number 6. If you can find the 1 and 2 books in the Bible, you got 1 Samuel, 1 Kings, 1 Chronicles. 2 Samuel chapter number 6. 2 Samuel chapter number 6. Look at verse number 13. 2 Samuel chapter number 6 and verse 13. 2 Samuel, 1 Samuel, 1 Kings, 1 Chronicles. 2 Samuel 6 verse 13. Notice what the Bible says. And it was so that when they bear the ark of the Lord, that when they that bear the ark of the Lord had gone six paces, he sacrificed oxen and phalanx. Now let me just give you a little context to get into the story. David attempted to move the ark of the covenant, but they did it the wrong way. They did it not according to the due order. And as a result, a man by the name of Uzzah died. Because they attempted to move the ark in the way that God had told them not to do it. Uzzah attempted to keep the ark from falling, and he touched the ark and he died. David goes back and studies the Bible, studies the way they were supposed to do it, and now he's getting it right. Now they're coming and they're moving the ark the right way. And as a result, they're having this big celebration. They're having this big spiritual time, and David is on a spiritual high. And it's not a bad thing. Notice verse 13. And it was so that when they bear the ark of the Lord, that when they that bear the ark of the Lord had gone six paces, he sacrificed oxen and phalanx. Now think about that. They're bringing the ark of the Lord into Jerusalem, into the temple, and they that bear the ark the way it was supposed to be carried, when they took six steps, every six steps they would stop and they would sacrifice and make a burnt offering unto the Lord. And they would sacrifice oxen and phalanx. Look at verse 14. And David danced before the Lord with all his might, and David was girded with a litany of fun. Now people, you read that and you're like, is dancing a sin? He's not at a club, all right? And he's not doing some sensual dance. He's dancing before the Lord, and he's having a spiritual high. He's glad to be the one that can finally bring the ark home. Look at verse 15. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting and with sound of trumpet. And as the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal, Saul's daughter, which if you're familiar with the story of David and Michal, remember that Michal was originally given to David by her father Saul to be a stumbling block to David, because he knew that she would cause him problems. Look at verse 16. And as the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal, Saul's daughter, looked through a window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, and she, notice our key word, despised him in her heart. Now you say, well, what is going on here? Now before you start getting too hard on Michal, and Michal is not a very good person, before you get too hard on Michal, let's remember a little bit of context. Michal was David's first wife. David left town, and she lied about the situation and different things happened. David now has came back as king, but he came back with several wives. So here you have Michal, who's probably not feeling very unloved, because in the Old Testament, they practiced polygamy. It wasn't right. It wasn't of God, but it's just what they did, and we talked about that last week. But look, if your husband come back home, or you come back home to your husband, and all of a sudden now there's several more wives, you're probably not going to feel very loved, right? Selfless, sacrificial, those things are not going to be there. This is Michal. She's looking out at David, and she despised him in her heart. Look at verse 17. And they brought in the ark of the Lord and set in his place in the midst of the tabernacle of David, had pitched for it, and David offered burnt offerings and peace offerings of the Lord. Notice verse 18. And as soon as David had made an end of burnt offerings and peace offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord of hosts. And he dealt among all the people, even among the whole multitude of Israel, as well to the women as to the men, and to everyone a cake of bread and a good piece of flesh and a flagon of wine. So all the people departed everyone to his house. Verse 20. Then David returned to bless his household. David's happy. He wants to bless his household, and Michal, the daughter of Saul, came out to meet David and said, now notice what she says, how glorious was the king of Israel today. Now, I want you to understand something. You know what you call that? When a wife meets her husband, who's the leader of the country, of the nation, and she says, how glorious was the king of Israel today? You know how she's speaking to him? Condescending. Listen to me very carefully. Wives will often belittle their husbands. They will often belittle how much money they make or how they can't provide. They'll make statements like, well, my dad never. Well, my father was, we were able to, when I was growing up, we were able to afford that vacation. And listen to me, ladies, you're not doing yourself any favors. I'm just trying to help you understand how to communicate to your husband. You're not doing yourselves any favor when you communicate in a way where you are condescending and belittling him. How glorious was the king of Israel today? Says, how glorious was the king of Israel today? Notice how she continues. Who uncovered himself today in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants. And we can pinpoint the reason that my call is upset. Why is she upset? Because she's upset. Why? Because she's looking at this guy who's already had several wives. She's out there dancing before the Lord, wearing a linen ephod only, who uncovered himself today in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants. Why is she reacting the way that she's reacting? Because she's not feeling very loved. She's not feeling very secure. She's not that convinced that this man loves her sacrificially or selflessly. But because she doesn't feel right, she responds in a very condescending and in a very complaining type of way, who uncovered himself today in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants. Notice there's not an attempt to correct the problem. She's not saying, honey, I would appreciate it. I would feel better if you weren't running around, you know, dancing in front of all the ladies. But she's just speaking to him in a complaining type of way. Notice verse 20. As one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovered himself. Now, here's what she's saying. You're running around uncovering yourself the way that shame fellows uncover themselves. So what is she saying? She's saying you're a vain fellow. You are covered yourself today in the eyes of the handmaids as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovered. And what is she doing? She's not only being condescending. She's not only complaining. She's being critical and criticizing and saying you're not doing it right. And you didn't do what was the way it was supposed to be done. And here's all I'm trying to say. You say, well, she was justified because she did not feel love. And there's something to that. There's something to that. She was justified. He's running around doing his thing, doing his ministry, going around. You know, for all she knows, he's going to come back with another wife. She's not feeling love. She's not feeling secure. She's not feeling sacrificial, selfless life. But she responds with disrespect. And what do you think he responds? How do you think he responds? Look at verse 21. And David said unto Michael, it was before the Lord. Good statement. That was true. The narration, the Holy Spirit who's narrating the story tells us it was before the Lord. We chose me before thy father. Now you crossed a little bit of a line. Now you're attacking her family. And there are for all his house to appoint me ruler over all the people of the Lord over Israel. Therefore, will I play before the Lord. Now why? I want you to look down at this. I want you to look down at this. You have a wife here who's not feeling secure, who's not feeling love, who's not feeling that her husband is giving her sacrificial, selfless life. And she said, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to do what 90% of women do. I'm going to complain. I'm going to criticize. I'm going to nag. And I'm going to get, I'm going to, you know, be condescending. And that'll fix the problem. Notice what happens. Verse 22. He says, and I will yet be more vile than us. Now look, that was not right. David shouldn't have said that. David is now in the flesh himself. He said, and I will be yet more vile than us and will be based in mine own sight. And of the maidservants that thou has spoken of, of them shall I be had. And please don't miss this. I would, I hope, I would hope that you would see how great the word of God is and how it explains to us who we are. Because here you have a wife and it's highlighted for us. She doesn't feel love. She doesn't feel that her husband loves her. She feels that she's being replaced, that he's dancing with these other women. And then he responds, and notice how he responds. He said, he responds to her and says in verse number, what verse number 22? He says, of them shall I be had in what? Honor. You got one wife who doesn't feel love, but you know, when she criticizes and complains, when she nags, you know what he feels? Well, I'm going to go get honor from those ladies then. And how does this marriage end? Verse 23. Therefore, Michael, the daughter of Saul, had no child until the day of her death. Now what does that mean? That means they never came together. That means they never had a physical relationship. That means no date night. You understand what I'm saying? That means this marriage fell apart. There wasn't necessarily a divorce, but there's no relationship. Therefore, Michael, the daughter of Saul, had no child even until her death. They just lived as roommates. And of course, David was practicing polygamy so he had other wives that he could give his time to. But you have a failed marriage here. Why? Because one doesn't feel love, responds in the way that comes most naturally, and the other doesn't feel honored, respected. Go to First Peter, chapter number three. First Peter, chapter number three. You want to know what smart wives have figured out? You look at these relationships, you say, well, her husband treats her so nice, and her husband takes her out on dates, or her husband lets her do this, or her husband does that. My husband doesn't know. Number one, you ought not be comparing yourselves amongst yourselves. But let me just, since you're doing it anyway, you want to know what she figured out? You know what she figured out? She figured out that complaining, and criticizing, and nagging doesn't work. And when there's a problem, and when there's a problem, it's better to not approach your husband in a way where you are condescending, where you are complaining, where you are nagging, where you are belittling, because that doesn't make things better, that makes things worse. And by the way, husbands, when there's a problem, you would be smart. You would be smart to figure out, well, I just messed up. I just did something that made my wife feel unloved, and instead of bowing up, well, you need to just get over it. You're too emotional. It would be better to think, what can I do? What can I do to help her feel secure in the love that I have, sacrificially, selflessly? You say, I'm the leader. You know sometimes leaders have to apologize? Sometimes leaders have to say, I'm sorry. I messed up. I shouldn't have done that. I lost my temper. I shouldn't have said that. David, I should have said that about your dad. I know he's dead. I should have said those things. This is how arguments happen, and if it doesn't get fixed, marriages end in divorce. 1 Peter 3, look at verse 5. Are you there? 1 Peter 3. If you go backwards from the book of Revelation, you've got Revelation, Jude, 32 and 1 John, 2 and 1 Peter, 1 Peter chapter 3 and verse 5. 1 Peter 3, 5. 1 Peter 3, 5. 1 Peter 3, 5. The Bible says this, For after this manner in the old time, the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorn themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands, even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, notice, calling him Lord. Please understand this, and please understand this. Why is what your husbands want from you is they want to be your hero. Now, look, husbands, some of you are not your wife's hero because there's not much hero-ness there. There's not really anything there to admire, so maybe you need to work on that. But you think it made Abraham feel good when his wife said, Yes, Lord? You think he felt honored and reverent? You think that Abraham, you think that Sarah had a problem getting Abraham to do what Sarah wanted when Abraham was often being felt honored and reverent by his wife? I'm just here to tell you, wives, you would figure it out. You would figure out, and you'd have a better marriage if you figured out. Go back to Esther chapter 1. You'd have a better marriage if you figured out the language that your husband speaks. Learn to praise and honor your husband. But he does all these things that are bad. That's because you're focusing on all his failures, but there's got to be some success there. I often tell couples this. There was a time when you liked each other. I mean, at least on the day of your wedding, there was something there you liked about each other. Focus on that. And ladies, let me just give you a tip. Let me just give you a tip. Say, I don't know how to praise my husband. I don't know how to honor him. Let me give you a tip. Men are interconnected to the work they do. You know when wives talk about themselves or ladies talk about themselves, you know what they talk about? I'm married. I have five children. I homeschool. I'm a pastor's wife. You know, they talk about the way they minister and serve to others. You know what men talk about? What do you do for a living? Why? Because we're interconnected to our work. God made us to be workers. God made us to be conquerors. God made us to win. And by the way, let me say this. There's something wrong in our transsexual, transgender world when you've got 30-year-old men who are just content to be unemployed for two years. There's something wrong with men that don't have any ambition or drive. Men should want to go conquer something, hunt something, kill something, win something, do something. God put that in. You're not wrong with that. That's why men go hunting. That's why they play sport. That's why they do these things. And look, you would be wise, ladies, you would be wise to learn to praise your husband's work. My wife is much smarter than I am, and she's much better at all this than I am. I definitely lucked out when it came to marriage. I got the better end of the deal. But you know, my wife will often say, honey, that was a great sermon. You know, my wife will often say, you're my favorite preacher. Now, I don't know if I'm her favorite preacher or not, but that's a smart girl. Sometimes we get home from work or home from church or whatever, and I'm like, so what'd you think of the sermon? Like a little puppy, like... You know, my wife doesn't, she doesn't say anything. I'm like, what was it, screen broken in the mother-baby room? What? Did you miss the whole thing? Why? Because there's an innate feeling in men. There's an innate feeling in men to want to be reverenced and honored by their wives. And my wife will say, honey, that was a great sermon. No one preaches the story of Esther as well as you do. Can I go shopping? I'm just telling you, I'm just telling you that if you learn to understand what your spouse is responding to, if you learn to understand how they think your marriage will be better. So what translates? What translates as disrespect? Well, number one, disdain, contempt, complaining. You're not as good as... My dad would have never, you know, her husband or her dad or the neighbor's yard doesn't look like. Disdain demonstrates disrespect. But there's another thing that demonstrates disrespect. We see it here in the story. Go back to Esther chapter one. Look at verse 15. Esther 115. Esther 115. What shall we do unto the queen Vashti according to the law? Because she hath not performed the commandment of the king. Because she hath not performed the commandment of the king Ahasuerus. Look at verse 17. For this deed of the queen shall come abroad unto all women so that they shall despise their husbands in their eyes when it shall be reported the king Ahasuerus commanded Vashti the queen to be brought in before him, but she came not. Not only does disdain or despise demonstrate disrespect, but also disobedience demonstrates disrespect. Go back to Ephesians. Ephesians 5. This is why God, before telling wives to see that they reverence their husbands, he says this in Ephesians 5 22. Ephesians 5 22. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church and the savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let wives be to their own husbands in everything. See, nothing communicates disrespect more than when a husband asks or tells his wife, do this, don't do this, and she just goes and does it anyway. Come to the party, no. How do you think your husband's going to respond to that? Anger, embarrassment, disrespect. You know, the Bible says that wives are to submit to their own husbands. You know, what's interesting about our society is that women have no problem going and getting a job and submitting to somebody else's husband for eight hours a day, but then they don't want to come home and submit it to their own husband, as unto the Lord. The Bible says that you are to submit to him in everything. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and he's the savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let wives be to their own husbands in everything. Listen to what? In everything, you are to submit, and you are to obey, and you are to listen to what your husband says. I don't know if you kept your place there in 1 Peter chapter 3. You don't have to go back there, but I just want you to remember that it says in 1 Peter 3.5, and after this matter also, in the old time, the holy women also who trusted in God adorned themselves being in subjection. Please understand something. They adorned themselves. They made themselves look good being in subjection unto their own husbands, even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well and are not afraid with any amazement. See, nothing, nothing, nothing communicates respect more than obedience. Isn't that true of your children? I mean, if you as a mother ask your child to go do something, and they just know, isn't that disrespectful? But yet God has said that your husband is to be the head of the home, and he is to be the authority, and when he asks you to do something, you should submit in all things. You say, well, what if he asked me to do something sinful? What if he asked me to do something wrong? Colossians 3.18. You don't have to turn there. Colossians 3.18. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as it is fit in the Lord. So they get to control everything as long as it fits in the Lord, as long as it fits within the will of God. The moment your husband asks you to do something that is a sin against God, then you are to submit to yourself to the higher power, which is God Almighty God. Peter said this, we ought to obey God rather than men. So if your husband is asking you to do something that is sinful, your husband is asking you, you say, you're not allowed to go to church. You say, you know, sometimes I'm asked, should I, can I disobey my husband and go to church? Absolutely. Because God commanded you to go to church, and you ought to submit yourself to God more than to any man. But if he's asking you to do something that's not sinful, he just really, you know, he's like, honey, it's just, you know, it's been the seventh night of Hamburger Helper, and I'd really like a steak tonight. No! There's still a little bit left. I'm just telling you, the Bible says that you are to submit yourself in everything as long as it's not a sin. Now, if it's not fit in the Lord, if he's asking you to do something wrong, something illegal, something that goes against the Word of God, then you are to disobey because you ought to obey God rather than men. But other than that, you submit yourself to him in everything. Why? Because disdain demonstrates disrespect and disobedience demonstrates disrespect. And marriages that don't learn to figure this out, marriages that don't learn to figure this out, are not happy. They're not fulfilled. The wife never feels loved, therefore never shows respect. The husband never feels honored, reverent, respected, therefore never shows love. Nobody gets what they want, and nobody's happy. Go back to Ephesians chapter 5. We're going to look at two verses and we'll be done. Ephesians chapter 5. I often will preach this when I preach on marriage. Every person I, every couple I ever perform a marriage for, I always take them through some sort of premarital counseling where this concept is explained. And sometimes people will say to me, that'll never work. That'll never work, pastor. Or people will say, that's a nice sermon, but that's never going to work. You know, if I sit there and just submit to my husband and obey him and say, yes, boss, yes, Lord, you know what he's going to do? He's just going to take advantage of me. Or husbands will say, that's never going to work. My wife's already rude. She already embarrasses me in public. She already is constantly criticizing me, complaining about me, telling people about my shortcomings and how I'm not as good as this. And I'm not, that's never going to, so she's doing all that. I'm supposed to be selfless and sacrificial and be willing to, you know, put myself, put her before myself. That's never going to work. If I do that, he's just going to take, she's going to take advantage of me. He's going to take advantage of me. That's never going to work. Please understand this. And I want to talk to the men for a minute. You know what makes good leadership? What makes good leadership is that a leader is willing to put themselves in a position that's vulnerable. What makes good leadership is that a leader is willing to put themselves in a position that's vulnerable. And look, that statement, just write that down and get that in your heart, because that will give you success in every area of your life. These guys, sometimes they want to preach, and they're like, I want to preach like Pastor Anderson, and I want to preach like Pastor Jimenez, and I want to preach like Pastor Romero. But then they get up here, and they're like, take your bagels and go to, and I was thinking, and they never look up, you know, like this. You say, why can't they get up and preach the way some of these guys would? Because you know, to preach this way means you have to put yourself in a position of vulnerability, or someone might think you're weird, or someone might think you're odd. Any position is like a song leading the same way. You want to be a good song leader? Put yourself in a position of vulnerability. Well, yeah, but Pastor, you know that praise goes a long way. You know what I've noticed when I tell people you're singing well, you know what happens? They sing well. But guys will be like, yeah, but if I say that and they don't sing well, it's going to make me look stupid. Yeah, but good leaders put themselves in a position of vulnerability. Why don't you take the first step, sir? Why don't you just say, well, if I do that, she's going to take advantage of me. Why don't you just put yourself in a position of vulnerability and say, I'm just going to love her selflessly and sacrificially, and I'm just going to keep doing that, and keep doing that, and keep doing that, and keep doing that, and if it never works, I'm just going to keep doing that, because that's what God said to do. But I'm here to tell you, it will work. It will work. She will begin to respond the way you want her to. But here's what couples say, that will never work. That will never work. And this is why Ephesians 5, the passage on marriage starts in verse 21, and it starts like this, submitting yourselves one to another. Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Now, here's how the liberals preach that. They say, see, it's not just wives submitting to their husbands. They're all supposed to submit to themselves. The wife makes 50% of the decisions, the husband makes 50. That's not what the verse is saying. That would be stupid for God to say, hey, submit yourselves one to another, meaning both of you make decisions, and then he goes on for four verses telling the wives to submit to her husband, and telling the husband to be the head and the authority. You say, what is that saying? Why does it start with this idea of submitting yourselves one to another? All right, go to Romans chapter number 12. See, the word submit, think about the word submit. It means to come under. It means to bear a burden. Submit, the whole passage on marriage begins with this idea, submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of the Lord. You say, why? Here's why. Because the only way that this works, the only way that a wife puts herself in a vulnerable position, where she says, well, I'm going to submit to everything he asked me to do as long as it's fit in the Lord, and I don't know, it might not go well for me, and he's just going to take advantage of me, and I'm just going to be his servant, and I'm never going to get what I want, and my desires met, and my needs met. And the husband says, yeah, but if I lead selflessly and sacrificially, if I put myself in a position where I'm going to lose so she can win, and if it's between me and her, I'll make sure she wins and I lose. I'll make sure the children win and I lose. I will love them like I love and take care of myself, that she's just going to take. The only way it works, and when you're both willing to submit, not in an authority position, but in an idea of, I am here for you. Here's how Romans 12 puts it. Did you go there? Romans chapter 12, verse 10. Be kindly affection one to another with brotherly love. Notice this. In honor, preferring one another. In honor, preferring one another. You don't have to turn there. Philippians 2, 3 says this. Let nothing be done to strive for vainglory, but in lowliness of mind, isn't that submission? But in lowliness of mind, let each esteem other better than themselves. You know what really good marriages have going on? Really good marriages have this idea where the husband says, I am the leader. God has put me in the position of leadership in this home, but it is not to serve myself. It is to serve those that follow me. It is to serve my wife and to serve my children. And by the way, all good leadership, that's what leadership is. I lead this church. I'm the pastor of this church. I make decisions. We don't take a vote. I don't really care what you think about what kind of toilet paper we buy or what kind of the color of the chairs. We're not committee-run. We're not deacon-run. This is a pastor-run church. But you know, I'm also commanded not to lord over God's heritage. And you know, my job is to serve you and to help you. And the job of a husband is to serve his wife and be selfless and sacrificial. And when he prefers her better than himself, when he esteems her better than himself, and when she says, well, I'm going to submit to him because I want to prefer him. I want to esteem him better than myself. And you have both submitting themselves one to another. You know what you have? You have a beautiful, beautiful marriage. You don't have one trying to get from the other one their needs met while not being willing to meet their needs. But you have two people that wake up every day and say, I want to love my wife. I want to love my husband. I want to meet their needs. The only way this works, the only way this works is by submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God, is by honoring and preferring one another, is by esteeming other better than yourself. Now look, you've got to do your part. I'm challenging you men. Find ways to communicate selfless and sacrificial love. Say, but she's still complaining about me. She's still criticizing me. She's still yelling at me. Some of you guys are so scared. You're like, Pastor, my wife's going to yell at me just because you preach this sermon. We're going to get in the car and she's going to be like, you don't really think that, do you? Please don't do that, wives. You don't really think that. I mean, you like it that I'm not constantly, it's constructive criticism. You just love her, selflessly, sacrificially, and you just stick at it. And you love her like Christ loved the church. And you submit to him in the same way that the church is supposed to submit to Christ, and you'll be all right. You'll have a good marriage. You'll make it to the end. You'll be able to fulfill your vows and be happy about it. Let's bow our heads and have a word of prayer. Heavenly Father,